I am hurting so bad today. I have asked Brent to do things at least 3 times this week, and I’ve been rejected every single. time. I don’t know how much more rejection I can take. Today then, there was the tbt picture of our family in Hawaii that his asshole friends made fun of. I deleted it. I have cried and cried. I am in so much pain and I can’t think of a single thing that would comfort me. I have no one to tell, no one to talk to. My therapist is it. I’ve been thinking a lot about killing myself today. Earlier I was ready to do it at that moment after the Facebook issue. I am fighting myself hard to keep going. I hurt so, so much. I have been hurting since December. I have been dreading the next set of holidays since March. If things aren’t any better, I don’t know how I’ll make it. I’ve been trying to think what I could do to give myself some relief. Get drunk? Then I’d just be sick tomorrow, and probably not feel any better now. I have no one to hug me and comfort me. No one. I have no human contact with anyone. I don’t see how I can possibly live like this for 30 more years or so. I am in misery. I have no family, no friends. I have no one to turn to. It sure seems pretty hopeless to me. I know I am depressed. I just don’t see how medicine will help. Medicine cannot change my circumstances. Medicine cannot make Brent give me a chance. I am without hope. I got so nervous this morning waiting to text Brent to ask him about this evening. I knew he would say no, but I did have just a tiny bit of hope that he might not. If he would tell me why he’s rejecting me, I might be able to let it go just a little, but as of now, I just can’t. I don’t understand why he won’t give me a chance. Why? I didn’t do any terrible, unforgivable thing. I know a lot of people that did do horrible, horrible things, but are still with their husbands. It’s so unfair. I can’t believe he won’t do it for our son. I can’t believe that for our son’s sake, he won’t take a chance. I am fighting, fighting, fighting. I just am unsure how much longer I can do this.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."