don't be

Bad Day

I am hurting so bad today. I have asked Brent to do things at least 3 times this week, and I’ve been rejected every single. time. I don’t know how much more rejection I can take. Today then, there was the tbt picture of our family in Hawaii that his asshole friends made fun of. I deleted it. I have cried and cried. I am in so much pain and I can’t think of a single thing that would comfort me. I have no one to tell, no one to talk to. My therapist is it. I’ve been thinking a lot about killing myself today. Earlier I was ready to do it at that moment after the Facebook issue. I am fighting myself hard to keep going. I hurt so, so much. I have been hurting since December. I have been dreading the next set of holidays since March. If things aren’t any better, I don’t know how I’ll make it. I’ve been trying to think what I could do to give myself some relief. Get drunk? Then I’d just be sick tomorrow, and probably not feel any better now. I have no one to hug me and comfort me. No one. I have no human contact with anyone. I don’t see how I can possibly live like this for 30 more years or so. I am in misery. I have no family, no friends. I have no one to turn to. It sure seems pretty hopeless to me. I know I am depressed. I just don’t see how medicine will help. Medicine cannot change my circumstances. Medicine cannot make Brent give me a chance. I am without hope. I got so nervous this morning waiting to text Brent to ask him about this evening. I knew he would say no, but I did have just a tiny bit of hope that he might not. If he would tell me why he’s rejecting me, I might be able to let it go just a little, but as of now, I just can’t. I don’t understand why he won’t give me a chance. Why? I didn’t do any terrible, unforgivable thing. I know a lot of people that did do horrible, horrible things, but are still with their husbands. It’s so unfair. I can’t believe he won’t do it for our son. I can’t believe that for our son’s sake, he won’t take a chance.  I am fighting, fighting, fighting. I just am unsure how much longer I can do this. 

2 thoughts on “Bad Day”

  1. It’s awful to hear that you are so absolutely certain that your life will never change…being an adult child of an alcoholic can shape your life in so many ways and create patterns in your relationships that you don’t even know are there. Have you checked into codependency support groups or celebrate recovery groups in your area? I’m not sure if you are open to it, but Celebrate Recovery has changed my world. I will be praying for you. There is hope and there is life beyond misery and pain.

  2. Fight for yourself, not for someone else like Brent. He may not do or say the things you want him to, he may even drift away but what he does is not about you. You should be your own best friend right now and treat yourself good. Go out shopping, find nice place to have dinner, yes alone. Go out on the town, yes, alone. You might meet some nice people to talk to. Be kind to yourself, you are a good person and you just need to remember that and soon you will find out that everything else will fall into place.

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