Highs and lows

Slept around 4 AM and woke up at 9:30 AM crying. Covered my ears and wished all the flashbacks and sounds would disappear on its own. Then stepped out of bed, walked over to husband and slapped the controller out of his hands while saying “STOP! stop stop!” Turned around and rolled onto bed all tensed up and continued crying. I guess husband knew what had happened in my head so he said nothing but hopped onto bed, hugged me tight while my body and mind continued to fight. All of the sudden, it switched off. He joked about something to interrupt my thinking and I chuckled. 

After a good thirty minutes of madness we got ready and went to have breakfast at a local place. When he went to work I went to visit my mother. 

My mother, she is the dearest to me. I don’t think she knows how much I love her. But then again she’s the type of woman that pretends like she don’t know the obvious. You know, like my illness? Maybe she’s in denial or maybe part of her just don’t believe me. Nevertheless, I love this woman. She’s everything. 

I felt very ‘high’ all morning until early evening. High as in I did not feel sad. I felt as if I needed to do something daring, something crazy and buy things. But I didn’t… I wasn’t sure what was going on but when early evening hit all those feelings went away. Then I was empty. 

Today felt like two days. 

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