I have been thinking about it for the last few days and have been looking forward to writing about it. Although I have only ever had 4 relationships, I will be discussing them in detail, so I plan to spread this topic over 2 or 3 posts.
The First Era…
I most definitely have changed as a partner a great deal over the years. The young 14 year old I was when I had my first relationship was literally crazy loll it was also his first relationship. I was very passionate, loyal and an all or nothing type of girlfriend right from the very beginning. I was a virgin during the entire relationship which lasted until right before I turned 18. However, we explored our sexuality together and there were many firsts.
Two issues that were born in my first relationship were jealousy and insecurity. These I have battled with throughout my life in relationships, over the years improving with maturity. However, with S I admit I was an absolute nightmare. I couldn’t handle S having contact with another girl, I got jealous about absolutely everything and was almost always irrational. An example of how irrational I could be was my jealousy surrounding music videos with girls dressed provocatively. The thought of him watching these drove me absolutely crazy, pushing me into fits of rage. My anger was out of control when I was like this. I would never physically touch him but I do have a very harsh tongue and have said some horrendous things in this state. I know now looking back, I was controlling and abusive which is not something I am proud of at all.
I think the craziest thing about that relationship has to be how unaware I was of my behaviour. I could not control it in the slightest, it was like a hiccup. The feeling right before you hiccup, you literally can’t avoid it and it eventually takes over. I felt this way about jealousy. No matter how much I wanted to avoid it, it started with a tiny voice in my head sparking the match. The more I tried to ignore it the more persistent it would get. Eventually I would give it a voice and it almost always got worse before it got better.
I am more than aware now that this was completely unhealthy but at the time I thought it was love. S was definitely my first love and I adored him to his bones. Back then I would have taken a bullet for him, he meant everything to me. We spent all our time together, we were inseparable. I trusted him, told him everything and likewise. We supported each other in all aspects of life, from education to family. We were fun together around the right people.
Towards the end, I don’t know what made me cheat; did I get bored with the security? Did we just grow apart? I think it was a bit of both but what I do know is that I broke his heart. I was a cold ruthless bitch and told him id cheated without an inch of sympathy or empathy. I was glad to be rid of him. It makes me really sad to look back at that stupid girl that made stupid decisions, I want to slap her! He was a good guy and I fucked it up. I would be lying if I said a tiny part of me doesn’t regret it. I would be lying if I said I haven’t wondered where we would be now.
A few years ago, I spoke to him via email and he basically told me I destroyed him. It really touched a nerve I didn’t know I had for him at the time. I apologised to him more than once about everything but the feeling didn’t go away. I think to be honest that exact point was probably the first time I identified my behaviour in that relationship for what it actually was. He may be gone but that knowledge will always stay with me.
After that relationship I went through a very dark period in my life (will write a separate post for that). I lost my virginity at the age of 18 to the guy I cheated with on S. K was quite a few years older than me, more experienced and knew exactly what he was doing. Losing my virginity to him is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I wish I had lost it to S in the security and love of our first relationship, it would have meant so much more looking back now. The string of encounters with K (wouldn’t really class it a relationship) lasted around 6 months. It wasn’t a horrible period of time, he was nice to me. I just didn’t get him and I don’t think he really cared to get to know me. I do remember asking him questions but never really getting anything meaningful. Looking back I am under no illusion what I meant to him.
As a person I need much more than physical/sexual contact in a relationship which is why as soon as I got bored, I cut him off…
To be continued…