‘Today is the day. Today is the fucking day.’ is what I keep hearing in my head over and over again, but it’s not my voice. It’s the voice of another. A voice I don’t recognize and trust me.. there are a lot of them up here in my head. I have just enough friends to be considered social, but they’re far enough away for me to be considered a Loner. That’s fine. Socializing is pretty exhausting. Not but a year ago, I used to stay up all night on call with a few friends and though it was nice to behold, I was so damn drained from the experience. It was more me, than them. Somewhere within, my mind kept trying to convince me that they tolerated me. That they only spoke to me for a single reason.. a reason that was never revealed to me. I always felt used and done away with, though looking back, I know that wasn’t the case for the most part. I cannot read minds. Sure, I get inklings, gut feelings.. My intuitive sense has grown three fold since I last remember.. but I never enjoyed lingering on a singular thought. Most times, these thoughts were so bad that I felt my stomach twist itself in knots and I’d give myself a headache. It’s been a while since the 3AM chit chats and mid-day drinking. It’s been a while since I stared at the Skype Interface while the little phone wiggles back and forth because the group was calling and I was silently panicking while weighing whether or not I should pick it up to endure, or curl into myself. Though the weight of escaping is no longer upon me, there’s still a voice here that tells me that I’m at fault. Because I am at fault, I don’t really trickle out onto a branch to make new friends. For now, I’m crippled enough to keep the ones I do have, even if the connection is blinking in and out. I feel that any new people I meet will just add to some sort of dreadful anxiety that weighs heavy upon me.. and though I’m trying to shatter the barrier, I always get that feeling that people are just making up grand fucking excuses to leave.. Or.. maybe I’m the one making up reasons to leave.
I am still working to understand who I am and how I am. The journey is long and wretched and though there’s been some insight, I’ve still more expanses to travel. You’ll probably never know a real glimpse into my life, but that is because that is what I choose. I tell the truth, but a lot remains hidden. I honestly don’t trust enough, but I dream a lot and I think a lot.