I’m not as bad as yesterday. I haven’t cried today. I decided to try the lithium that my doctor suggested. Maybe it will help me. What confuses me about the meds is that I don’t see how they can make me not sad when the circumstances are still the same. I have been this low almost constantly since December. Honestly, I barely remember January and February I was so depressed. I do remember at one point coming out of it for a day or so. I remember thinking, “Oh my god, I was going to kill myself. I can’t believe I was in a state of mind where that seemed reasonable.” I remember that, but I don’t feel like that, anymore. I just glimpsed at it for a moment. But at least I know it’s there. Right now, suicide seems perfectly reasonable. I mean, I’m not going to do that today, but it doesn’t seem unreasonable as an option.
I feel like I’m making just a tiny bit of progress with Brent. I hugged him when we left him. He let me. I think maybe he doesn’t want me to touch him because he is trying to not have any feelings for me. All I can do is keep plugging. I will hold on like a pitt bull. There are not other options at this point.