Day 170 – Afraid

Friday, August 5th 2016

I just watched Rose go back in time for her dad in Doctor Who and then episode 7 and 8 of Re:Zero, so if you know both those shows, you know how much I just cried… 

But that aside—I think simply watching those episodes made myself vulnerable to emotions and ignited something inside of me that has been worrying me.

Never did I think giving someone something would make me so afraid. It’s nothing bad, it’s something intended to help and that comes from the bottom of my heart, and no, it’s not for some guy I have a crush on, which right now I don’t have one really, but something from the most important place from my heart, something that defines me as a person. I shouldn’t even be afraid to do so, but… ugh, I feel like writing I’m scared over and over. This should never be a thing, I shouldn’t be afraid, this isn’t right, that’s why I’m taking a step and ready to take the blame and defend myself and defend the person receiving what I’m giving, but I don’t want to bring constant worry to that person and I’m afraid to come face with what could come along with giving it, to do exactly those things such as defending. I wish I could elaborate and tomorrow I might, just right now I can’t. I think I’m just overreacting, that I’m just tired and sad because of the episodes I watched, especially Re:Zero cause the character was going insane and afraid and you could feel as if you’re actually sharing the same emotions as him, but I have to write about this cause if I don’t, it’ll just eat me on the inside. I’ll have to pray to give me strength and to prepare to defend myself. When the person will be receiving it, they’ll probably know exactly what I’m talking about.

On a better note, I like Dead by Daylight, so that’s fun. I just gotta get better at repairing generators. I can run away from the killer for a long time though.

Now that I corrected my grammar, I’m still afraid, but, less. Writing was a good idea, it always helps. I feel more ready—who knows? Maybe something might not even happen or I won’t be told that something did so I don’t have to worry, but do I really want it to be that way? I mean, if it does, then I’ll have to defend and convince, which if I manage to suceed, is going to help both the person with what they received from me and the one bringing my worry, but if it doesn’t, then none will be helped. I don’t know which one I want, I mean, I want the one that will allow me to help, but what if I don’t suceed? Ugh, emotions coming back. Now it’s not fear, now it’s empathy and sadness. I want them to be helped, I don’t want them to be left as is, hiding in the darkness… One will manage to come out eventually on their own with time, but the other will be left, and I don’t want that. I know the other I might not fully bring out from my defending and convincing, but maybe I can shine a light that can inspire them out. I don’t know. Again, gotta pray.

That’s all for today.

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