I look at Facebook every morning while I drink my coffee. I saw a picture from last night of my friends all together. I was not invited. I think I am being invited less and less because of my depression. They don’t want to be around me. I guess that means they are not very good friends. I have never had good friends. I have never had a best friend ever. I really really would love to have one, but I never have. The friends I have now are just girls that invite me to attend events with them. We never really talk about anything serious. I thought one of them kind of cared about me, but not anymore. Part of it is they all got boyfriends or husbands and I am still alone. Forever alone. I guess it was okay for a while for me to go with the couples. Now they are over it. I guess I need to find some new friends or at least people to do things with. 

I looked up Clinical Depression on Google. The definition says it lasts for at least two weeks. Mine has been really bad since December. I have been depressed before, but never for this long. That’s why I’ve thought so often about suicide. I don’t see this getting better and why live in pain every single day if it’s always going to be this way. Two days ago when I had my major episode, I had no where to turn. No one to talk to, no one to help me. I almost called a suicide hotline. I’m scared to be too open with that kind of talk though because I’m scared they will hospitalize me. If I got locked up for this, I would lose any chance of getting Brent back. 

I’m scared of losing my mind. I’m afraid I’m going to lose touch with reality- that I am going crazy. That I am slipping away. I’m afraid the medicine I’m taking will make this happen. I will lose control.

I hate my parents for damaging me this way. I hate them. They stole from me any chance at a normal life. No matter what, I will have to deal with this bullshit until I’m dead. You don’t get over it, you just learn to manage it. It’s wrong that absolute idiots are allowed to bring children into the world just to fuck them up.

3 thoughts on “Saturday”

  1. To me, depression feels like treading water. I feel like I am working so hard to stay above water that I don’t realize I am in a pool. Seeking help and talking to a therapist is like going to edge and grabbing the side. They can’t tell anyone, legally. I know how it feels when you don’t feel like you have any close friends or anyone to talk to. I think every situation is different and I shouldn’t be the one to tell you what to do or how to fix it, but I can tell you that you can feel better. There is someone out there you will feel comfortable talking to and will keep you secrets. Sometimes just getting it out helps me with anxiety and depression.

  2. I am so sorry. It must be tough to not have someone to talk to. We’ve all felt a time where we felt like mad hatters. Just hold on tight. Talk to a therapist. Just keep swimming. You have my support. 🙂

  3. I pray for you to find the answers you need to help you feel better. All my life I have had friends who have disappointed me and turned away. I know it hurts to have people not include you in their outings but that is their loss. You can find other people and other things to make you feel good about life. I have find that all I need is one good friend or two friends and even then I don’t want to be with them all the time. I enjoy doing things on my own. Find just one person who you feel comfortable with and go to a movie or just go have coffee with them.
    If you feel sad, write about it on your diary. Others will listen and help you. You are never truly alone. You are important and your life is precious so remember that. Those people who are leaving you out don’t sound like friends, you need to find someone who is kind and who will accept you as you are.

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