I look at Facebook every morning while I drink my coffee. I saw a picture from last night of my friends all together. I was not invited. I think I am being invited less and less because of my depression. They don’t want to be around me. I guess that means they are not very good friends. I have never had good friends. I have never had a best friend ever. I really really would love to have one, but I never have. The friends I have now are just girls that invite me to attend events with them. We never really talk about anything serious. I thought one of them kind of cared about me, but not anymore. Part of it is they all got boyfriends or husbands and I am still alone. Forever alone. I guess it was okay for a while for me to go with the couples. Now they are over it. I guess I need to find some new friends or at least people to do things with.
I looked up Clinical Depression on Google. The definition says it lasts for at least two weeks. Mine has been really bad since December. I have been depressed before, but never for this long. That’s why I’ve thought so often about suicide. I don’t see this getting better and why live in pain every single day if it’s always going to be this way. Two days ago when I had my major episode, I had no where to turn. No one to talk to, no one to help me. I almost called a suicide hotline. I’m scared to be too open with that kind of talk though because I’m scared they will hospitalize me. If I got locked up for this, I would lose any chance of getting Brent back.
I’m scared of losing my mind. I’m afraid I’m going to lose touch with reality- that I am going crazy. That I am slipping away. I’m afraid the medicine I’m taking will make this happen. I will lose control.
I hate my parents for damaging me this way. I hate them. They stole from me any chance at a normal life. No matter what, I will have to deal with this bullshit until I’m dead. You don’t get over it, you just learn to manage it. It’s wrong that absolute idiots are allowed to bring children into the world just to fuck them up.