August

It’s almost been a year since I wrote down in here. A lot can happen in a year. I’m waiting for the birth of my newborn any week now. But I keep wondering if coming off, slowly off my medicine is changing my mind set and making me paranoid and think crazy things. Why do I feel like someone’s going to hurt me or kill me? I just got that feeling randomly but if I tell anyone they will think I’m crazy, which technically I might be considering I have to come off medication due to the baby coming very soon and not wanting to have him to go through any withdrawals. My doctor said sometimes it might be better to be on medicine and let them go through it because you personally can’t handle being off your medicine, but me personally I know crazy or not I would never harm myself or anyone else. I’m just paranoid someone’s going to hurt me. I’m not schizophrenic either it’s things that people do and that I physically see that makes a thought like that trigger into my head. I hate conflict, I hate yelling and screaming, I like quiet, I like happy and positive and people who encourage me, not people who put me down or hurt animals. It is traumatizing to see an animal get hurt and cry in pain because animals are innocent so whenever I hear stories about animals being tortured and killed it hurts badly in my heart and I can’t do anything because I’m only one person. Not everyone believes in god, and I believe everyone has their own choices for that but I am a believer of god and, sometimes I wonder if he feels I’m too stupid to be here like, thinks all I do is cry and wonder what my purpose in life is, what if he thinks  I should know my purpose by now but I’m too dumb to figure it out? I was very badly abused when I was 14 and 15 by a boyfriend at the time. I remember being punched and shoved and choked and held a knife to my throat I remember wanting to die cause I felt I wasn’t good enough to live I remember cutting myself my wrist and them bleeding like crazy. But I remember just not being right after that. I’m just all messed up now. I need to know soon if someone is out to hurt me am I just a victim for someone to hurt or I’m hear to help people

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