List things and people you are secretly having trouble letting go of

List things and people you are secretly having trouble letting go of…

I think one of my big problems in life in general is that I have a hard time letting go, I struggle to let go of the memories (good or bad) the texts, the trinkets etc. I have a few things right now that weigh on my heart, heavily. Sometimes I don’t know if talking about them or keeping them bottled up is better.

A huge thing I have struggled with letting go of is the preconceived notion of how my life should have been. I should have picked someone else to marry, I should have been happy, I should have had children, and a home, a career. I constantly feel defeated because  I haven’t lived up to my own expectations. Every time I take one step forward I take about 3 steps back. I never thought I would be 28 years old, divorced, foreclosing on my first home, in debt, living back with my parents.

I have had a hard time letting go of my anger over my divorce, anger at myself, at the ex, anger at my parents for making me feel like I couldn’t even get divorce correctly in their eyes. I’m angry my ex took so much from me, I feel like he left a gaping hole in my life, not necessarily romantically but as a whole. I lost a piece of my identity, I lost my credit score, my self esteem, half my possessions, my respect with my family. I wish I could be that woman I was before my ex. I was a force to be reckoned with, someone who loved who she was and as my little brother put it “You had this spark Steph and it’s been missing for awhile now”. It’s heart breaking to hear your little brother tell you that you aren’t the same woman he remembered growing up, the one who lit up a room.

I also opened my heart to a man recently who promised me the world, someone who said all the right things. Probably so good that I should have known he was too good to be true. I gave him a road map to my heart, my insecurities, my deepest fears and unfortunately he was a scummy person. He was seeing someone else, sharing a bed with her every night. I gave what little bit of trust I had left and he broke it into a thousand little pieces. I’m having a hard time letting him go and I hate that.  I know he is a horrible person, no good for me but it doesn’t stop my heart from wanting, from thinking of what might have been. He was smart, funny, someone who honestly made me want to be better (it sounds so corny), amazing in bed, driven in his career and at first was everything I could ever have imagined I wanted in a partner. For the first time in my life I felt like a man knew my deepest truths and didn’t run or try to change me. Unfortunately he was everything he promised he wasn’t. He was a coward, a liar and most importantly a fraud. I need to remind myself of this daily when I think about his smile or the way he would brush the hair out of my face while I was cooking etc. I thought for just a second I had met someone who was as passionate as I was and now I feel like a fool. It scares me that someone could be so manipulative with another person’s heart.

It makes me question my own choice in men, why do I repeatedly choose men who hurt me, men who take and take until I have nothing left to give. Do I not respect myself enough to set boundaries? Am I so desperate to feel loved that I settle? A wise woman once told me “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity”. If I don’t let go and forgive myself will I be doomed to repeat the same relationships with different faces?

I have to let go of the fact that I will never be good enough for my parents, I could be insanely successful in life, love, financial etc in 10 years and I’ll still be the kid who got divorced, and into debt. I have to forgive myself these mistakes because my parents are never going to forget them. I have to let go of the preconception that in order to be happy I need to be skinnier, to be accepted by my parents, to be loved unconditionally by them. To my parents I will never be enough, I will never be smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, driven enough, the list goes on and on. My own parents told me once since the divorce that any man with me would be settling, That they would be giving up something to be with me, I’m essentially tarnished since I have been married and divorced. How do I regain my self worth when my own parents openly tell me I’m second best. I think the sooner I accept that their love will never be unconditional, the sooner I will stop looking for a man to give me the acceptance I so desperately crave from my own family.

It’s hard to feel good about yourself and see a future when all you see is every misstep you have taken in life. I would give anything to forgive myself for the poor choices. To forgive myself for not trusting my gut feeling, for not knowing better.

I have to let go of the self blame…I made choices and whether they be good, bad or ugly I have to live with those consequences.

*Experience, the most brutal of teachers…but you learn, my god do you learn*

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