I am feeling nervous already and it’s 7:51 am. I have taken the lithium for 2 days now. I read online that if it’s going to help you, you will notice a difference in a couple of weeks. I was really scared of all the side effects. So far, all I have is tremor in my hands, but I had that anyway since I started Wellbutrin. 

Sometimes I when I feel really bad I will make a list of what I need to happen for me to feel better and be happy. Right now, all I need is for Brent to give me a chance. That’s the whole list. My work is great. I don’t have any friends, but if Brent would give me a chance, I would be able to do stuff with his friends and him and I would be included in all the stuff my friends do that is couples. I don’t really care about reuniting with my friends. I know they’re not really friends. They are only girls that sometimes include me in their activities. Whatever.

I am still not speaking to my mother, and I’m fine with that. I don’t worry about it or feel bad about it at all. She is an idiot they way she treated me as a defenseless child. She would yell at me and I would be scared to death. As an adult, when my son would say something to her that I knew she wouldn’t like, I would get scared and shrink back. I would think that he doesn’t know “the rules”.  He doesn’t know what happens when you say things to her she doesn’t like. That’s because he has never had to be afraid of his mother. I know I screwed up a lot of things with my children, but I did a million times better than my parents. 

In a few hours, I will text Brent and ask him if he will go to dinner with us. He rejects me about 90% of the time, but I just keep trying because I don’t know what else to do. He has never told me he is even willing to think about giving me a chance. He has been mean to me so many times. I suspect all of that is because our split hurt him so deeply, he’s not willing to ever go there again. All I can do is keep on trying. I will continue to try to gain his trust and hope he will give me a chance. Things are about to get way harder for me when football starts and the holidays are on the horizon. I will feel much more desperate to be with him. If this medicine doesn’t give me some peace of mind, I honestly have no idea how I will survive it. I literally have no one to even talk to about all of this except my therapist. That is so sad. 

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