This isn’t a life..

I was hesitant about any sort of unedited rambling on this site. But today I feel like it’s getting too much and quite frankly I have nobody in my life that I can turn to.

Everything inside me feels like a mixed up cloud of darkness swirling with different emotions. I feel so alone. Every night when I fall into my troubled sleep i hope tomorrow will be different. It’s a never ending circle that just keeps on going.

I am not sure of what emotion within me is the strongest but I know that this isn’t a life. This isn’t even a worthwhile existence. It certainly isn’t one I imagined I would have. I always thought I would be married to a decent man with at least 2 beautiful children by the time I was 30. But here I am with a failed relationship that spanned over a decade and that nearly killed me in the process of fighting to make it work.

I can’t be bothered to explain, I’ve probably already spent too much time explaining my relationship to people, hoping I would feel better. But even after all these months I feel the same. Hollow without him. There is a big gap in my life when I remove him. I’m scared of the loneliness and no matter what I do the hole doesn’t get smaller. I have found that staying busy helps. I fill my days with tasks that are unnecessary but necessary for my current sanity. I know there is more important things I need to do but I have no motivation to even attempt them. I’m living from day to day, meaningless, wasting my life away.

From reading this you may thing I am missing something precious. The worst thing about this is it is far from precious although he once was everything to me. I know he isn’t the one, I feel it in my gut. He can’t be because even when I was with him I was very much alone. He doesn’t fulfil me the way I need. But I still miss him when he’s not there. It’s like a drug that you know is bad for you and maybe not in the beginning but eventually will poison you, but still it’s so hard to stay away.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad person. He’s a good guy. He’s just weak. Too weak to treat me how I deserve. Too weak to satisfy me physically. Too weak to stand up for me. Too weak to hold my hand in front of the world. Too weak to step up and be the man I need. But still, I love him. Not the same way I did when we met nearly 12 years ago, that’s for sure. That was head over heels, butterflies in your stomach, pins and needles in your fingers kind of love. Now it’s a dulled by heartache and disappointment caring. Not love at all. I don’t believe in love anymore.

Every time I let him go and I see him cry, that deep emotion spikes, just for a millisecond and then it’s gone. In my mind I know it’s the right thing because there obviously isn’t a future. There’s no way out with someone like him. But afterwards when it’s been a day or 2 why do I feel so hollow? It’s like I’m withdrawing from him. It’s not painful its exhausting, draining and empty sadness I feel.

I’m so scared of what the future holds without him. Only that thought alone fills my eyes with tears. I imagined my life with him once. I imagined our children and what they would look like. I feel like I’m grieving for those dreams. Now I’m crying and I know it’s coming from a deep place inside myself that I don’t allow myself to feel much. I loved him, put him on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. I felt lucky to have found him. I was so stupid, young and dumb. 

I just want to feel better. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I need to make a change. I need myself back. I need to do it for me. I need to get a life!!


3 thoughts on “This isn’t a life..”

  1. Reading this just made me tear up! We both do have a lot in common! I wish you would of read my old post but I delete them weekly so I won’t get to down!

    But I went through something similar! And I know how you feel!!! I wish I can just tell you all of it but it’s really long! Just know I feel your pain. I know it’s not easy! I’m struggling by your side but I also know we both can get through this. It’s going to be a slow process and hurtful too but I know we can both start over!

    I’m from Cali and I stay up till at least 5am! So if you ever need someone, I’m here for you! Sending a huge hug!!!

  2. Thankyou so much. That means alot to me huni xx Yesterday was what i class a bad day. My emotions have been all over the place, i start thinking there is actually something wrong with me. I get this wierd feeling where my thoughts are zooming which eventually makes me cry.

    But i find long walks really help, which is what i did yesterday, head felt slightly clearer when i got back. Can’t let the darkness take over. I refuse to let it consume me.

    Thank you for your support. There is a strange sense of comfort knowing I’m not in it alone xxx

  3. Let me summarize what I went through real quick for you can I feel like we’re on similar boat.

    Met the love of my life. Gave it my all. Got married. Have a baby with him. But my difference is he’s not open. He doesn’t show emotions at all. Not even when I would cry in front of him because he hurt me for cheating, lying, texting other women, etc. I catered to his every need and loved with all I could. But he didn’t feel the same and till this day my emotions go from I miss him, I love him, I hate him, I need him, and just go in circles again. We’re separated now. I respect him and love him till this day but I’m just an emotional wreck cause it’s hard to let go of something I really wanted and thought he wanted since we both planned this. But his forever length was different than mines.

    And yes do the walking!!! I go to the gym and it helps lift of the emotions. But as soon as I wake up my feelings go on the fritz. I believe I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart till I pass. And I understand it’s just not our time. So I try to take it day by day and it’s hard but we’ll get through these emotions. And it’s normal to feel like this, cause we’re only human. And I’m glad we do have these feelings cause it shows we have heart! Now to learn to love ourselves again((:

    And write it all out! It helps!!!(:

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