I was hesitant about any sort of unedited rambling on this site. But today I feel like it’s getting too much and quite frankly I have nobody in my life that I can turn to.
Everything inside me feels like a mixed up cloud of darkness swirling with different emotions. I feel so alone. Every night when I fall into my troubled sleep i hope tomorrow will be different. It’s a never ending circle that just keeps on going.
I am not sure of what emotion within me is the strongest but I know that this isn’t a life. This isn’t even a worthwhile existence. It certainly isn’t one I imagined I would have. I always thought I would be married to a decent man with at least 2 beautiful children by the time I was 30. But here I am with a failed relationship that spanned over a decade and that nearly killed me in the process of fighting to make it work.
I can’t be bothered to explain, I’ve probably already spent too much time explaining my relationship to people, hoping I would feel better. But even after all these months I feel the same. Hollow without him. There is a big gap in my life when I remove him. I’m scared of the loneliness and no matter what I do the hole doesn’t get smaller. I have found that staying busy helps. I fill my days with tasks that are unnecessary but necessary for my current sanity. I know there is more important things I need to do but I have no motivation to even attempt them. I’m living from day to day, meaningless, wasting my life away.
From reading this you may thing I am missing something precious. The worst thing about this is it is far from precious although he once was everything to me. I know he isn’t the one, I feel it in my gut. He can’t be because even when I was with him I was very much alone. He doesn’t fulfil me the way I need. But I still miss him when he’s not there. It’s like a drug that you know is bad for you and maybe not in the beginning but eventually will poison you, but still it’s so hard to stay away.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad person. He’s a good guy. He’s just weak. Too weak to treat me how I deserve. Too weak to satisfy me physically. Too weak to stand up for me. Too weak to hold my hand in front of the world. Too weak to step up and be the man I need. But still, I love him. Not the same way I did when we met nearly 12 years ago, that’s for sure. That was head over heels, butterflies in your stomach, pins and needles in your fingers kind of love. Now it’s a dulled by heartache and disappointment caring. Not love at all. I don’t believe in love anymore.
Every time I let him go and I see him cry, that deep emotion spikes, just for a millisecond and then it’s gone. In my mind I know it’s the right thing because there obviously isn’t a future. There’s no way out with someone like him. But afterwards when it’s been a day or 2 why do I feel so hollow? It’s like I’m withdrawing from him. It’s not painful its exhausting, draining and empty sadness I feel.
I’m so scared of what the future holds without him. Only that thought alone fills my eyes with tears. I imagined my life with him once. I imagined our children and what they would look like. I feel like I’m grieving for those dreams. Now I’m crying and I know it’s coming from a deep place inside myself that I don’t allow myself to feel much. I loved him, put him on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. I felt lucky to have found him. I was so stupid, young and dumb.
I just want to feel better. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I need to make a change. I need myself back. I need to do it for me. I need to get a life!!