Everyone has those days where you screw up, really badly. And any normal person would apologise. Cause its someone else’s feelings you messed with. But I’m not normal. And because of that, I cant seem to get anything right. Ever. Especially when it comes to feelings. See, I lost the ability to feel a long time ago. I guess the process started when my parent’s messy divorce started. I very quickly realised that emotions are a burden. And the only way to stop hurting every time something horrible is said or done to you is to stop the whole feelings thing completely. And that’s what I did.
I slowly taught myself how to suppress emotions on command and soon, I stopped crying completely. And now everyone thinks I’m soulless. And sometimes I think I am truly soulless. In situations where people would cry and feel miserable, I stared and stoned. Never uttered a word. Couldn’t utter a word. You know why? Cause I stopped feeling everything I’m supposed to feel.
So when mother dear yells at me, I don’t know how to respond. Cause I’m afflicted with 2 things:
- I can’t feel emotions.
- I am brutally honest, with everyone, about everything I feel.
And to try to avoid hurting her even further, I avoid speaking completely. And then she starts crying hysterically. In the place where any other child would get on their knees and start crying to get mother dearest to stop, I just stood by and stared.
And to be honest, I can’t completely say I lost the ability to feel pain. It’s just that I have gotten good at hiding it. And after a while, it just kind of degenerated- this ability to feel. I’m sure the ability is still there, somewhere, just not present most of the time.
And the worst part of it all is the fact that I get over these painful things very easily. And extremely quickly. So when you put all these horrible attributes of mine together, you get multiple long term emotional issues. That I can’t seem to solve. God damn it. How do I get myself in these positions?
And when they call you selfish and rotten and “had underestimated how cold-hearted you can be”, I’m not sure what to do or what to think. Cause I know I can be cold-hearted as hell (pun unintended) but I always ignored it. My nickname is Satan in school. And I always took pride in that (god knows why). But for the first time, I was actually hurt by bring called cold hearted. And now I want to change. I want a soul.
But I’m so conflicted. Suddenly, I want my emotions back. But I know they can be a burden. But I don’t want to be an outcast. But maybe being an outcast is cool. Maybe it saves me of the heartache and pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have spent so many years in this state that I don’t want to go back. But I don’t want ma to hate me. I think she hates me. Even though she says she doesn’t.
I don’t know anymore.