Cajoling stew of madness

There are so many thoughts swirling around my head. Bouncing off the sides of my brain, a cajoling stew of madness. Shifting from one thought to the next the negativity feeds on itself. I feel myself slipping deeper into the mist. Deeper into some sort of new found despair. 

I am nothing. I feel completely alone. Isolated. I have no one to talk to. I contemplate life … and death. Thinking how peaceful it would be not to have to feel. Ultimately deciding it would be selfish to do something like that. What would I put my family through? My boyfriend? I couldn’t do something like that… but maybe just an attempt. No, better not, I am more sensible than that.

What is making me feel this way? I try to probe my own emotions… Well obviously being currently unemployed brings out the best in me (a failed attempt at humor). Okay. So this is situational. I have extra time on my hands to think, about … things. Of course there’s the fear that I will never get hired by anyone. Or never move into what society deems a “successful” position. And there’s the more pressing matter of money. Or lack of it. So that’s all fucking great.

I let out a sigh (of relieve?). I don’t journal. I haven’t been to see a therapist in almost a year. I have little in a the way of close girlfriends… another sore topic. I certainly can’t talk to my mother about all of the goings-on in my life. My sex life and smoking pot are certainly off the table. So here I am… Yesterday my boyfriend asked me if he could go to Vegas for a bachelor party (the first he’s been invited to). I, slightly uneasily, said I thought he should go …. as long as there were no stripers involved. But it made me think, I’m almost 30 years old. When the fuck am I going to get some god-damned friends? I doubt I’ll be invited to any bachelorette parties or in any wedding parties. How sad. 

Which makes me think on the reverse side (something I often worry about), who will I invited to my bridal shower, have as my bridesmaids and invite to my wedding? Oh lord. For someone who is constantly deemed “so outgoing” and “fun” I sure don’t seem to make any long lasting friendships.

Although my relationship with my boyfriend seems more like a friendship than a romance. And hey, thanks Florida, it starts to rain outside, completing the picture of gloom and misery that I already feel. So, I know that my boyfriend, lets call him “Tad” cares about me and loves me, but he’s just not very physical. I, on the other hand, am I very physical person. I love hugs and snuggles, kisses, all that kind of affectionate garbage. Besides that – in the bedroom, things are just kind of … stale. 

I can’t tell if he’s disinterested? Tired? For all I know he’s into dudes. I mean, the fuck. What are these thoughts. Anytime I’ve tried bringing up the frequency of our escapades (recently) he says, I thought things were going better lately. It’s like he thinks it’s a fucking chore (well it is fucking all right). So… I am always the one initiating, trying new stuff to seduce him, etc. I mean — I feel like most guys would be so turned on. Be fing loving this shit. Like what? 

It makes me feel hideous. Like I am pathetic. Ugly. Fat. Now, I don’t love my body right now … In college I was an athlete and was in pretty good shape and since then I’ve packed on a few pounds (as I haven’t had practice) however, I’ve been making attempts to get to the gym. To get back to where I once was. I’m just looking for some, any positive reinforcement. I want to feel wanted. I don’t even care by whom. I want passion. A kiss that’s more than obligatory. 

Is it horrific of me to have such strong feelings about sex? It seems like there is still such a stigma about women not being sexual. However, hi… I’m here. So what do I do? Because I also have an abundance of other emotional needs to consider and my boyfriend does meet needs.

So I guess that’s it.


-very confused and alone in my own mind  

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