Have You Ever Been In Love?



This video was taken on a happier day in a lake in the middle of the forrest, in the middle-north of Sweden. Our fatherland. I love my baby, with all my heart. Even when he’s happiest at his cruelest. 

It’s not unrequited love, he loves me. Even when he hurts me. He loves me because over time, after countless women he’s housed in his sheets, it was always me that he came back for. He just can’t let me go. It’s not his possessiveness, its his weakness that only I can see and he tries to hide. I never planned to fall in love with someone like him. He’s just so electric, everything about him is fire, there’s never a boring moment with him. He’s charismatic, intelligent, he’s academically accomplished, he was getting millions working contracts for BP Oil but he . . . has character flaws. The only reason he moved back from London was because he wanted to be with me. With other people he just drops them out of his life, and never so much as remembers their existence. I don’t know anything about his family except for two stories he ever told me. His mother committed suicide when he was nine, and his father would beat him regularly since he was three. He went to prison after beating his younger brother to death, right in front of him. He only told me once, after a drug binge left him in a zombie-mode. So, I don’t even know if I should believe that. 

Am I scared he’ll do the same to me? Yes! But he doesn’t, after all our fights he always comes calling for me. He always caresses me after a fight, always kisses me after I cry. I’ve never been in love like this before. I don’t know what love is, I hate that word. It doesn’t describe my commitment, my loyalty, and my devotion to him. It doesn’t encompass all the good feelings I have towards him , all my good intentions. All of my forgiveness, compassion, and all of the good parts in my heart that I want to share with him. Maybe he doesn’t know how to love, the one person in his life that should have shared that with him would break his ribs. But I know he has a loving side, I’ve seen it. It’s buried underneath all of his jokes and his cruelty, and his unrelenting mania. 

I don’t know what do anymore. My brain tells me to run as far away from him as I can. But my stupid, sadistic, burning heart won’t let me. When he leaves me, it’s like the world is lost of all color, and I can’t taste anything but grey discoloration. When he returns to me it’s like the sweetest breath I can take, and all of the world comes alive instantaneously and I can bare anything with him at my side. I love his eyes, I love his face, I love his voice; a strong and electric voice. 

Ultimately, I know whats coming. There’s only two way I can go: I leave him and live in a shallow grey world. Or I join him and I don’t look back. Either way, I fear the worst, but hope for only his return. 

I don’t know why I’m writing this down, I guess I am fucking crazy too. I can’t stop walking off the edge, and yet I’m asking for help. I’m fucked. 

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