So once again , it has been confirmed that I’m a fucking idiot:
After the nightclub incident, I did my best to avoid him. But after the 3rd day he called, I answered, and I ran to be with him. He made me feel really bad, and like it was all my fault, again. He told me his friend ran him through the hidden exit, while I was being shoved out and handcuffed by the police. At least now I have a nice big gash on my forearm from the broken glass. He laughed when I showed him the cuts, and told me to stop being over dramatic. I was thinking, ‘really, I’m the one being over dramatic you fucking sociopath’, but I knew better than to say anything.
I told him I was getting sick of his constantly vanishing in and out and coming home the next night. Never answering his fucking phone. He gave me an angry look, and I rolled my eyes and walked away. I was just not in the mood to put up with his shit, especially when he’s laughing at me being hurt. But I guess he wasn’t having my “bitch” attitude because he followed me and shoved me to the floor. He pulled my fucking hair back and violently grabbed my chin, and with the most sinister eyes, told me that I don’t walk away from him until he tells me to. I started to cry and he started to laugh at me, and said to stop being so weak. I knew if I said anything I would make it worse. I just remember my heart pounding inside my chest, and the smell of vodka escaping from his mouth. So I shoved him the fuck off me. It just pissed him off, and I already fucking knew to brace for the worst. The son of a fucking bitch dragged me by my hair to the bed and starts to shove his dirty disgusting unwashed hands up my dress. And then he tells me he loves me, and that I need to quit being so weak. I’m ashamed to say this to anyone out loud but, whenever he tells me he loves me it’s like a drug. I’m in bliss and he can do whatever he wants to me. Yes, I am fucking weak and stupid for his love. He tells me he loves me and starts caressing my face and he kisses me tenderly and I’m like pudding in his hands. I gave in and we had extremely rough sex. I could tell he was on drugs at this point. I fell asleep after a few hours and he was still fucking me. I woke up in the morning at 5 and he’s laying awake next to me staring at the ceiling. I asked him if he had slept at all but he tells me to shut up. It’s like he’s trying to listen for something.
And then after what felt like a long silence, he turns to look at me, then tells me he’s “finished with me because I can’t help him with his mind”. I didn’t know what the fuck to say to him, I was just afraid to say anything at all. He gets up, gets his shit and walks out the room. I’m sitting on the bed like “what the actual fuck?”. I get up and we start fighting. I block the hallway and won’t let him leave. He tells me to get out of his way, but I don’t. So he tells me to get out of the fucking way, and then I slapped him.
Then it happened.
He starts to laugh and then sucker punches me in the stomach, I fell to the ground. I’m in tears as I’m replaying this all in my head because I’m just heartbroken again, because I don’t understand how I can love him. Now that I remember, I didn’t even feel the pain of being hit. But all I’m thinking about is how he’s leaving me again. So I tell him ‘please stay’, and ask him how he could leave me if he’s always telling me he loves me? He turns to me and tells me “don’t you know, by now? snake’s can’t love, and your love is evil”. I don’t know what his drug induced babble meant, but I’m fucking hopeless. I start to cry and now I’m drowning again in my own fucking self destruction. I don’t know why I love him so much , I just do. I love him with all my heart, if I wasn’t so in love with him I wouldn’t take half the shit he does. And then I get angry, because he always does this to me. He always makes me weak, and then he hurts me.
My friends and family are right, he is insane. And the drugs make him crazier. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t even know how to help myself. He’s pushing me to my limits.