Well, it’s almost bed time. I made it. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went to Target and to Pet Smart to look for a better style of litter box than the one we have. I came back home, felt so anxious, I left again and went to The Dollar Tree. I went to school and worked until 4:30. I’ve been home ever since.
When I was walking the dogs this morning, a little dog, like a Pom mix came running through traffic across Main Street at my dogs. It took everything I had to hold them off of that dog because it just kept walking toward us. The owner/man finally got across the street and picked it up. I said, “You know we have a leash law here.” He said, “Yeah, right, BITCH.” I was already on shaky ground this made me cry. I know he was just white trash and who cares what he says, but when you are already so, so sad, and so down on yourself, every little thing feels like a big thing.
I hate myself so much. I can’t stand to remember all the stupid, idiotic things I’ve done. I hate myself to the point it makes me angry. I am so stupid. I have ruined my life and now I’ve messed it up so bad, I can’t fix it. I am too far off in the ditch to get back on the road this time. I have been deeply depressed since December. I have never in my life had this level of sadness, despair, and hopelessness for this long.
I think about killing myself a lot. I’ve been trying to read things on the internet to help me get past it. Lots of articles say the same thing- you don’t want to die, you just want the pain to stop. Your stressors have become more than your coping skills. Yep. That’s it. But, what do I do about it? I’m supposed to find someone to talk to, to be my suicide preventer buddy. Too bad I have zero friends. One web site had this little chart you were supposed to print out and fill in the blanks. 3 people you can call: haha. I have zero. I could write a kick ass suicide note, though, I would rock that shit.
When I was crying on my walk, I reminded myself that I ordered a new purse. I can’t kill myself today, I need to be here to see my new purse. I know it’s not much, but it’s all I have.
I have been dreading the holidays since March. Maybe I can get my doctor to put me in an induced coma for two weeks until that shit is over.