Today has been the epitome of an emotional roller coaster. I woke up and went to bed a million times, transitioning from my bed to the couch. I finally woke up at 1 with the dogs head on my pillow and my head on her butt… How it ends up this way, I have no idea. I convinced myself I *had* to be productive. I got dressed and put the dog in the car with the mindset that coffee and house hunting would fix my mood. We drove for hours, no houses for rent. In the meantime, I couldn’t make up my mind between the gangster rap to get my “boss chick” attitude on or the Adele, “woe is me, cry my heart out” channel… I did both. I acted tough one minute and was literally crying my face off the next. Which is ultra lame because I went to a wedding last night and my leftover makeup still looking great. For a few minutes anyways… Coffee didn’t help and I felt sick so I decided today has defeated me (which NEVER happens) and went home to crawl in my bed and sleep the day away. I ended up watching Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead 2. Then I cleaned the kitchen.
But what I didn’t mention in all of this is why I was on such an emotional roller coaster. Now, I can only imagine it is because I got broken up with by the man I thought I was going to marry. To top it off, I had to attend a wedding yesterday, alone, in which people wouldn’t stop asking about it. Then today another dear friend got married. And I’m just sitting here broken hearted and trying to tough it out… He broke up with me for a reason that has left everyone baffled, but that’s besides the point. All my family and friends are his biggest fans. They insist it’s not over and he’ll figure it out and come back… What they don’t know is that he deleted me from all social media except Snap Chat. Now trust me, I know how juvenile this sounds. But regardless, he has been posting nothing but smiling selfies of all the stuff he’s doing. And part of me is happy to see that he is happy, I wouldn’t be the person I am if I felt otherwise. But the other part of me is literally dying seeing how happy he is without me. And I can’t help but to think, “Is he just happy in those moments? Does he go home and miss me? Is he masking the hurt like I am?”… and then I think “Silly girl, this is sign after sign that everyone else is wrong and you need to let go…” It’s so embarrassing seeing him so happy that I haven’t even told anyone about it. Because part of me wants to believe their fantasy that he’s coming back and not face the reality in front of me.
It is hard to admit I was with someone for 9 years and never felt this way. Then I meet someone and in 4 months I know, without a doubt in my heart that this is the person I’m going to marry. And to be bold and brave enough to tell everyone that… Which, if you know me, you know that I am strong and independent and I don’t “need” anyone. So to say I love this person and I want to share my life with them… I meant it. my entire family is married and none of my immediately family, sisters, brother, parents, grandparents are divorced so we don’t take such statements lightly. And with as much as we talked about these things, I thought he didn’t either. So it is just… heartbreaking to think that someone could just end it one day. No conversation, no attempts to fix it, just… Goodbye. It leaves you feeling broken, confused and dumbfounded to be honest. Another fact about me is that since that 9 year relationship, I have no problem walking away and in fact, I’ve done so quite a few times. It’s been easy for me to have a disagreement, a simple fight or dislike about someone or something and that was enough for me to be out. But the moment he walked into my life, I was in. Running never crossed my mind. And we went through a lot from the get go, his father is sick and I had just had back surgery, among other things. Yet, I was in it. When we disagreed, I ran to my bff and said “How do I fix this?” instead of running… That was it for me. My happily ever after was here and I knew it. I prayed every night and God never steered me in a different direction or advised me otherwise. And I’m inclined to believe someday I’ll understand why he put me in this situation but in this moment… I am a roller coaster.
None the less, I am so thankful he helped me through such a life event. I went in for a serious back surgery and almost died. When I came home, he took me on a first date. And every day since then he’d been the one to hold my hand and keep me motivated, he helped me be adventurous and stay inspired/motivated, despite my current hardships… And it was as simple as a call, a text or him bringing over cookie dough and milk and having a movie night or going on a road trip and him holding my hand so I didn’t fall when I wanted to make it out to the creek… He kept me waking up and be grateful for every new day. Now I have been alone for a long time so I know the importance of appreciating those things regardless of being in a relationship or not but the point is, he made the every day wins a little greater. He brought a new light to my world. He made my scar feel invisible and brought my world a kind of love that I’ve never known before. And for that, I will be forever grateful. Unfortunately, I have also learned that life is a gift and tomorrow is never promised, therefore you can’t spend what time you do have waiting for someone to come back, or better yet, waiting for them to choose you. My heart is on the floor in pieces and I pray day and night that God pull me through this heartache. Until then, I can’t lay on the floor and fall apart with it, no matter how much I wish I could. I am still fighting a million other battles. I sold my race car, I am not able to return to work, I’m barely able to walk more than ten minutes at a time, I am moving… The list never seems to end. I have lost so much. My life has changed in ways I never imagined. But I have my family, my friends and my dog and for them, I simply have to keep moving…