Will I Ever be Completely Free??

I know in my head that I should be able to move on and do what I want with my life. That if his name comes across my phone I shouldn’t worry what he will hear in the background. That if he drops by unexpectedly it shouldn’t matter who’s at my house. But it does. It always does. And it feels like it always will. Like I will have to censor my conversations and my daughter will have to leave out details of our lives so that he won’t be angry and we don’t have to worry. Last night he came by unexpectedly…that’s never happened before…he’s always been unpredictable but he’s also always been an hour away with no transportation. When he said he was in the area my stomach dropped. When someone knocked on my door and my daughter answered it and I heard his voice my anxiety kicked in. I didn’t talk to him…didn’t even actually see him and I distracted myself with my son…it’s taken me a very long time to begin to feel like my life is my life and I can make choices without worrying what anyone else will think. I know not to mention certain things to him, but in general my home is my safe space and what I do there is no one else’s business. Last night shattered that…he hasn’t come back since I made him leave in January and he always said he wouldn’t…but then he did. Now I feel like I can’t have anyone at my house and I can’t just live my life because he could show up at any moment. What if he showed up and my neighbor was there? He hates her with a passion…it would be awful…he would flip out and let me tell you his reaction wouldn’t take into account that she’s a woman at all…or that her kids were there…it would be ugly. What if the guy I’ve been seeing were there with his infant? I feel like I’m putting them all at risk and in danger just by having them at my house now. All because he had the nerve to ring my doorbell. Ugh…stupid…I’m not sure how to feel or what to do…it’s easy to don’t allow him to hold me hostage emotionally or mentally and don’t let him run my life…but this is not imagined fear or paranoia. This is reality…the reality of a man who doesn’t play by societies rules and lives in a world where violence speaks louder than anything and believes that controlling people with mind games and fear is the best way to get what he wants. So I feel like a sea anemone…I was starting to open up and live my life and now I feel like curling up in a corner and going back to my small little bubble where it’s safe and quiet and no one is at risk because of little old me…

4 thoughts on “Will I Ever be Completely Free??”

  1. Can you get a restraining order? That’s a very good analogy about the sea anemone. I feel your fear and anxiety. Somehow, that must be alleviated. I will pray for you, dear.

  2. Thank you for your prayers. People have suggested a restraining order before…unfortunately it’s more a matter of mental terrorism than me being physically afraid of him and rarely does that get me anywhere when it comes to courts.

  3. For me the hardest pat is knowing that he’s out there living his life…doing what he wants…being with whoever he wants…and here I sit worrying about who I’m hanging out with and who I’m dating and how he would react if he happens to drop by…so frustrating…so completely unfair…

  4. If you already have another person in your life, this man needs to leave you alone. Hopefully since he lives far enough away he won’t be coming too often to bother you. Don’t stop living your life because you are afraid he might show up. He may never show up again. Enjoy your new relationship, enjoy your neighbors and friends and hopefully he will realize that he needs to stay at his home and quit bothering you.

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