Talk about something you appreciate in your life.
It’s interesting that this question comes after yesterday’s extremely emotional question. I have to admit after writing yesterday’s post I was a mess most of the day, crying randomly, I felt like I was drowning. It’s nice to talk about something positive today…
I appreciate a lot of things in my life, I have a stable place to live, food on my table, enough money to do things (not everything I want yet but hopefully someday), but what I appreciate most right now are the people in my life. I value my friends, and family but there are 3 people in particular who I appreciate more than anything right now.
The first is C, he is a friend I’ve had for 15 years and although we have had periods where we didn’t speak, mostly because I was a crazy bitch he has been an incredible friend. This is a friendship he and I have both fought for, whenever we have significant others they feel a bit threatened by the friendship. We slept together once, 8 years ago. I can understand the hesitation by partners to think we might be more than friends but it’s genuine friendship. The point of my explaining that piece of our relationship is that we have both at times been asked to choose between the friendship and our significant other and both have always chosen the friendship. We have definitely altered our relationship to make our partners feel comfortable and never chastised each other with each change. He for example has a gf who prefers we don’t spend time alone, sure no problem, easy fix. To have someone in your life who values you enough to fight for the friendship, to easily adjust when need be because they don’t want to lose you is an incredible friendship. He is also the type of person who isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings, he will tell me how it is even if I don’t want to hear it. I have sent him screen shots of convos where he will point blank respond with “if a girl I was seeing sent that to me I’d probably tell her to go fuck herself, reign in the crazy steph.” lol He is someone who can deliver the harsh truth without being an asshole. He can read me like a book, he can read between my words and see the hurt behind the smile. He is my voice of reason, and my moral compass when mine is questionable (which lately has been more than I’d like to admit). I appreciate him, a lot.
The second is someone who is fairly new to my life, we met about a year ago on a somewhat scandalous website. K was supposed to be a guy I was sleeping with and he turned out to be so much more, he became a really great friend. He was a safe place for me in a time in my life where my own home was a war zone. He gave me something else to focus on instead of sitting there and watching my whole world fall apart, when I spent time with him it was like for those hours nothing else was happening in my life. He and I are very different people, we live very different lives but at the end of the day he might be the most honest, and genuine man I’ve ever met. He risked a lot to keep me in his life, he didn’t have to he could have easily just been like ehh I’m out. He saw value in me at a time in my life when I couldn’t see it myself. I was extremely vulnerable when we met and he could have easily taken advantage of that, he chose not to. There were times he hurt me, looking back now I know he never meant to and he truly tried so hard not to. He was honest, he pulled back his affection when he knew he couldn’t offer me what I wanted. I understand looking back now, why he did some of the things that hurt at the time, he didn’t want to break my already fragile heart, and for that I have so much respect for him. He protected my heart even though he didn’t have to. That speaks volumes to the type of man he is, I sometimes wish he knew how amazing he was, I don’t think he sees it. We talk occasionally and yesterday he sent me the most amazing message, it touched on a lot of topics, and I burst into tears reading it. To know that I meant a lot to him was the best gift he ever could have given me. He is a man who doesn’t do emotion, I can’t tell if it’s by choice or just at this point he doesn’t know how to turn it back on but either way I mattered to him when not a lot of people do. I appreciate that he let me in, that he has my back when I need him no matter how long it’s been or what he has going on. I know that if I ever truly needed him he would be there in a heartbeat.
The 3rd is M, I have talked about her a few times in this journal, she is a once in a lifetime kind of person. She is someone who I knew for a few years before we became inseparable. It was about 2 months before my wedding, I was sitting at my desk at work on the verge of tears and everything in me told me to call M. We had exchanged pleasantries, had small talk but never anything life altering until that moment. I called her, she barely had a chance to say hello when it came pouring out of my mouth “I think I’m about to make a mistake getting married”. I can’t even tell you why I chose her to tell, why once I said those words out loud everything came pouring out, my affair, my fears, the truth behind my ex and I’s abusive relationship. She never once made me feel like I was stupid, or a fool for making the choices I made. She stood by me on my wedding day as I said my vows knowing I was conflicted, getting married simply because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents yet again. She never once said “I told you so” when my marriage crumbled. To have a friend who knows every dark thought you’ve ever had and can still show you where you shine is something that is irreplaceable to me. There’s something about her that is so accepting and makes you feel like it’s okay to be yourself. She has seen me at my best, my worst, everywhere in between and has loved me each step of the way. She has wiped away tears, put a few “I hope his dick never gets hard again” curses on men, made me laugh until I practically pee myself and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is a woman who has been through a lot, has sacrificed a lot for her family and friends and honestly I look up to her. She is the type of woman who could have a million things going on and you show up on her doorstep needing a shoulder to cry on and she opens the door and lets you in without hesitation. She lives her life with compassion, strength and a heart that she never let get bitter and for that I hope to be half the woman she is one day.
There’s a saying that everyone you meet has a purpose in life, you either change theirs or they change yours, each of these 3 people have changed my life and for that I will always hold a special place in my heart for them.
*Some people won’t love you no matter what you do and some people won’t stop loving you no matter what you do. Go where the love is*