It’s that time of the year again to shout to the void, as the cold darkness of winter leaves you trembling in paranoia at night. When you wish your girlfriend didn’t live over 800 kilometres away, so she could envelop you in her warmth, her sweet scent. But today, my issue is not of my parents and their views on The Gays, nor my increasing dosages of existential crises, not even about sleeplessness and wishing for my love. Today we discuss Alice.
When I first met Alice, I didn’t know what to think of her. Trying to “get” Alice, was like trying to understand the foreign language of physics that the boys downstairs speak, whilst enthusiastically scribbling on the whiteboard.
Alice likes to make characters, and speak in funny voices. She is charismatic and certainly something about her is very interesting. There is no doubt too, that she cares for me deeply, but this is exactly where the problem lies.
Alice herself knows that shes a clinger. At the beginning I didn’t mind it, but now Ive started to notice parallels between her and manipulators from my past. Something about me always draws these kinds of people to me, Ive never understood why. I would call her attitude towards me infatuation. She knocks on my dormitory door almost daily, panics when she hasn’t seen me in 2 hours, despite everyone else knowing that I am just napping. When a group of us will walk together for a stroll through the city, she will always worm her way through, pulling me to her side, pulling me away from the group…
..OH look, another daily knock on my door. Alice has just been in again. And made it so much harder. Like I said she’s very sweet and thoughtful, brought me an apple because she’d heard I was stressed about a lab report. She truly is caring; Alice has tucked me into bed when I was drunk, has given me ends of products and brought me baking.
And yet there is still this niggling feeling, this feeling of being overwhelmed and overridden. I messaged her the other, telling her that I did not want to flat with her next year, when we all leave this university dormitory. I explained that I find her energy sometimes overwhelming and draining, and for mental health’s sake I need to be with people I find calming, and I honestly love the two girls I had said I wanted to be with. Alice said she understood, so I forgot it all and thought it had been dealt with.
And yet yesterday Alice confronted me at dinner, announcing there was an ‘elephant in the room’ to confront. It seems she had been ruminating on my request. She told me that whilst she respects my health, she doesn’t believe she will be draining. That she wants to be with me, and that she wants to flat with the people that I want to flat with, so I would be excluding her. This may seem fair enough, except that she has said many times she doesn’t really like anyone here except me! Plus those other two girls don’t really like her. It was hard enough to tell Alice the first time, that I will have to repeat myself is going to break her.
She is zany and caring, but ultimately I feel like she is excluding me out from others, always having to be in my room, always having to be beside me in the lounge. I need space to breathe next year, and that is that.
I’m sorry Alice.