Today at around 7 P.M. I was crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I had like two panic attacks. Usually when I cry I don’t make so much noise but I was crying so hard and basically screaming my cries out. I just kind of broke. I didn’t cry because of what happened I cried because I had been holding everything in for so long and I couldn’t take it anymore. Remember my best friend Nancy dating that douche Josh? Around the time school ended him and Nancy were having issues and he decided to blame it all on me instead of himself. What happened was that Jake logged into his Facebook on his phone but forgot to log off. At the time I didn’t know he was logged on in my phone so when I got on Facebook and went to my messages I was in his. Nancy was looking at my phone with me and she was like “Oh you and Josh were messaging each other?” and I was confused as hell because I don’t talk to that monster so I was like “No?” and she tapped on the messages and that’s when I realized it was Jakes account and I told her but she continued to want to read through the messages. SIDE NOTE – I never mentioned this but a few months before that Josh came out as bi and asked Nancy if he could experiment doing stuff with other guys while they were in a relationship. She, of course, said no. Not because she is homophobic but because she doesn’t want him with anyone else. He got upset and talked about how he has thought about cheating on her a bunch of times and felt trapped because of her. This is just what he told her. One of our friends Trisha (not her real name) showed us the messaged between her and Josh where he told her multiple times that he wanted to dump Nancy and that he was talking to other people. They got over it because he came up with his usual crap the “No I didn’t mean it.” “I love you so much please don’t leave me.” “If you leave me I will kill myself.” (Yes he has said that multiple times.) Okay so clearly Nancy doesn’t trust him. So she went through the messages where Josh kept on saying “Jake, I’ve been thinking…” “I want dick.” “8===D” (According to Nancy that last part is what he says when he wants to sext.) Although nothing was going on between the both of them it broke Nancys heart and she was determined to end it because she was done. Once she told him what went on he blamed me and said it was my fault for being nosy (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOT ME WHO WANTED TO READ THROUGH THE MESSAGES) and got Jake against me talking about how all I was was drama and how I stuck my nose in everyones business because there was nothing interesting about me. SIDE NOTE – this was all the day before the last day of school. Later when I got home he messaged me to tell me about how terrible I was and how I threatened everyone with suicide threats to get my way. Then he said the only reason Jake was my friend was because he felt sorry for me and because I threatened him with suicide threats. I messaged Jake to ask if this was true because I wanted it to all be a lie. He said that sometimes he feels that way but he still cares about me and loves me. This day still haunts me. I haven’t been able to talk to a single person about how I feel about anything because I do not want to bother anyone with my stuff because I’m not important enough for it. I stopped seeing my therapist. I lied and told her I was better and how I had nothing on my mind. I kept it all inside. If the people I care about the most don’t care about my well being why would a stranger? For months I’ve kept everything in. I blocked Josh on everything but today someone heard about him and Nancy taking a break (They did for a bit since he started talking to other girls and flirting with them and talking bad about her to all of his friends, but of course she got back with him.) and Josh assumed it was me who told everyone even though it was Nancy. Jake messaged me asking if it was me and I told him the truth. That it wasn’t me. He continued to question me like if he thought I was lying and it hurt for him to think I would do that. It wasn’t the situation that made me cry. It was everything. And once again I was in my room bawling my eyes out and screaming at myself for being who I am. It made me think. Does anyone actually care about me? I’m here screaming begging for help. I’m begging, not to be listened to but to be heard. (Yup Twenty One Pilots reference, I’m in love with them) I’m not the type of person that someone thinks of at 2 P.M. and wonders how I’m doing. I’m not the type of person that someone hugs and tries their hardest to make sure I know I’m loved when I’m feeling at the worst. I’m so unimportant. I’m so alone. I just feel so alone. I wonder if someone will hear my cry for help before it’s too late. I care so much about my friends, more than I will ever care for myself, and it hurts that I cannot get even 10% of that back. So here is my second post of the day, once again talking about how much I hate myself.
What would you do in my situation?
~ Toodles, Skye.♡