First off, I believe I live a fairly crazy and remarkable life. Many things have happened to make me who I am today. I have lived many very happy moments and have laughed an abundant amount. In saying this I have also lived many tragedies, tragedies that started at a very young age and they seemed to just keep rolling over the years.
I guess I should give just a quick overview of the things that I will be talking about, things about my life that still haunt me, still bring those tears to my eyes that I never really learned to deal with because I haven’t had anyone really show me how to live, how to be, or even how to be a decent human being. Both parents I was blessed to have, don’t get me wrong, were both what you would call “functioning alcoholics.” They would drink every day and still get up and go to work everyday, still functioning members in the community.
the community I am talking about is a small village in Nova Scotia, on the east coast of Canada. And honestly I still go back after leaving at 16 and love every minute of it. I will always call this place home. I should mention that the Person who brought me back home happens to be my best friend, and fiancé now. He is 7 years younger than me, him being 20 and I 27. This has never been my style. All the men I seem to pick seem to be complete idiots, and older than me. like my last serious relationship, the asshole was 12 years older than me with 3 kids, one being close enough to my age to be a tad bit odd. that asshole I spent too many years with beat me badly to the point that I could leave the house, which I was rarely allowed to do anyways as it was, like no job, no school, no friends, no family other than my father and my sister, whom he had an affair with for a while behind my back, more like in front of my face and just deny, deny, deny, from both of them, until one of his drunken nights he told me all about it. and of course somehow it was all my fault. it was always my fault, everything. he had a son with severe adhd and odd. and was really hard to handle for everyone. being only 8 and being brought home in cop cars and smashing the windows out of my house just because I wanted him to come in for supper and he didn’t want too. we didn’t get along either. because when I brought my son to the house for my weekend visits at the same time the loser had his son then my son got blamed for everything and didn’t have a good time at all, so I had to downgrade my time with my son and not let him come every weekend and he had to start coming on the opposite weekend as his son. this made the bond between my son not as strong. although we will always have a strong bond. My gorgeous 9 year old boy is so polite, and smart as hell. amazing in math, and has the softest heart in the world. he just has a crying problem like his mama and cry’s over everything. which I know comes from extreme anxiety and depression. its everyone else that choks it up to him having a soft heart or just feels a lot more. yeah he sure feels a lot more. I put the poor boy though hell without even knowing it. I also have a daughter and that’s a whole other issue that we will talk about at some point. there father and I screwed up. the drugs were always more important to me. the men were always more important. the party was always more important. now that I have come out of all of that and have grown up and now I’m trying to find myself. which seems to be so much easier with my amazing man being away for work a lot. we spend 5 days apart usually, then he is home for 2. this is good for me, I’m sure of it. it gives me time to think.
sometimes, I feel like I think too much. its killing me, to be honest. I’m a mess inside, trying to keep it together. I need to mention I lost my mother when I was 15 and I lost my dad a couple months ago. my mother dying caused me and my little sister to move into our grandparents, who I must mention are well off. and like to show it off like they are better than everyone else.
and that shit isn’t me. so needless to say that lasted a year for me until I was 16, I just called up and quit my job at shoppers drug mart, which was really good for me, and moved in with my dad in a community next to ours.
well that started a lot more issues than it should of. just 2 months into school, here I am leaving a school dance with the father of my kids. that’s it, I just left a dance, went home with him and didn’t leave for 4 years.
we had a huge drug problem in 07 (the year our son was born) cocaine, crack, detox, repeat. that was my life. all while trying to be a decent mother and all along I thought I was. I thought I was carrying it.
my feelings, the everlasting issues,
Too be continued, (maybe after a couple sex and the city episodes)