Which of your personal relationships matter to you most? What can you do today to deepen the relationship?
A few weeks ago I would have written about a boy or some mushy bullshit. Instead I am deciding to focus on my most personal relationship. The one with myself.
I can no longer replace my feelings with sex. I can’t fill the void and self esteem with it – Don’t get me wrong I know I am attractive and some days I feel flat out beautiful but I still tend to feel better about myself when I have men who chase me. I get a high so to speak – knowing I am wanted and have the power to say yes or no…The control of being able to get what I want, when I want it is addicting.
I feel like it’s detrimental to myself for a few reasons:
1. If I am being completely honest, sometimes I am a whore. There, I said it…I come off as this really sweet girl who would never do anything like that but unfortunately I am a whore more often than not. How am I supposed to regain my value and self love if I keep fucking everyone, making zero connection than moving on. I have come to realize you can share your bed with an unlimited amount of men and still feel empty and lonely if it’s not shared with someone special.
2. I hurt people in the process, I string men along, giving them just enough to keep them interested so they are there when I need them for a confidence boost. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone else
3. How am I supposed to have good things happen in my life if I can’t lay my head down at night and feel good about the way I treat people?
Now that I have talked about my flaws let’s talk about how I plan to fix it…
I decided to go back to therapy, I have my first session this afternoon and I am incredibly nervous. I know from past experience that going through therapy often makes things worse before better but I think I truly need it. I need to take a good look at myself in the mirror and fix the holes. I need to stop engaging in risky behavior, especially sexually…let’s be honest the person I’m hurting the most in that is me.
I would like to give back to the community, M and I were talking yesterday about cooking for some shelters or volunteering, although emotionally my life is a mess I am still more fortunate than most. I think I need to focus on the small things and what I can do to help other people.
I need to focus on getting more sleep…I typically stay up until 3 am, spend my whole day wishing I could nap then repeating the cycle. As I am getting a bit older I am realizing that sleep is vital to everything else in life, my mood, my energy etc.
I’m going to spend more time at the gym and doing the workouts B gave me, not because I need a better body (well I do but that isn’t going to be my main motivation). I’m going to work out because I feel better about myself when I do. For example, this week in class I flipped the heavy tire with a little bit of ease, rewind to a few weeks ago and I struggled to even lift it. I read a quote online once that said “fall in love with the process and the results will come”. I am going to focus on the things my body CAN do and the things I’ve gained – strength, muscle, peace of mind while exercising. I’m going to workout because I love my body not because I hate it.
I’m going to start spending more time with my family…the past few years I have lost several aunts, uncles, and only have 1 grandparent left alive. I’ve come to a point in my life where it’s a real possibility of losing parents etc. I have to cherish what time I have left, the last goodbye might truly be the last one. I think if I spend more time with people I love I will feel better about myself and feel as though I am giving 110% in life.
I am also giving men a hiatus, or at least I am going to try to…as stated above I struggle with that but I need some me time and I think it’s overdue for me to take a good hard look in the mirror and face my demons head on.
The sooner I can love myself and be at peace with who I am, the sooner the small things in life won’t seem so big. The small rejection or feeling like I’m not good enough won’t matter because I will know I have value on my own.
*Sometimes, opening your eyes is the hardest thing you will ever do*