Which of your personal relationships matter to you most?

Which of your personal relationships matter to you most? What can you do today to deepen the relationship?

A few weeks ago I would have written about a boy or some mushy bullshit. Instead I am deciding to focus on my most personal relationship. The one with myself.

I can no longer replace my feelings with sex.  I can’t fill the void and self esteem with it – Don’t get me wrong I know I am attractive and some days I feel flat out beautiful but I still tend to feel better about myself when I have men who chase me. I get a high so to speak  – knowing I am wanted and have the power to say yes or no…The control of being able to get what I want, when I want it is addicting.

I feel like it’s detrimental to myself for a few reasons:
1. If I am being completely honest, sometimes I am a whore. There, I said it…I come off as this really sweet girl who would never do anything like that but unfortunately I am a whore more often than not. How am I supposed to regain my value and self love if I keep fucking everyone, making zero connection than moving on. I have come to realize you can share your bed with an unlimited amount of men and still feel empty and lonely if it’s not shared with someone special.
2. I hurt people in the process, I string men along, giving them just enough to keep them interested so they are there when I need them for a confidence boost. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone else
3. How am I supposed to have good things happen in my life if I can’t lay my head down at night and feel good about the way I treat people?

Now that I have talked about my flaws let’s talk about how I plan to fix it…

I decided to go back to therapy, I have my first session this afternoon and I am incredibly nervous. I know from past experience that going through therapy often makes things worse before better but I think I truly need it. I need to take a good look at myself in the mirror and fix the holes. I need to stop engaging in risky behavior, especially sexually…let’s be honest the person I’m hurting the most in that is me.

I would like to give back to the community, M and I were talking yesterday about cooking for some shelters or volunteering, although emotionally my life is a mess I am still more fortunate than most. I think I need to focus on the small things and what I can do to help other people.

I need to focus on getting more sleep…I typically stay up until 3 am, spend my whole day wishing I could nap then repeating the cycle. As I am getting a bit older I am realizing that sleep is vital to everything else in life, my mood, my energy etc.

I’m going to spend more time at the gym and doing the workouts B gave me, not because I need a better body (well I do but that isn’t going to be my main motivation). I’m going to work out because I feel better about myself when I do. For example, this week in class I flipped the heavy tire with a little bit of ease, rewind to a few weeks ago and I struggled to even lift it. I read a quote online once that said “fall in love with the process and the results will come”. I am going to focus on the things my body CAN do and the things I’ve gained – strength, muscle, peace of mind while exercising. I’m going to workout because I love my body not because I hate it.

I’m going to start spending more time with my family…the past few years I have lost several aunts, uncles, and only have 1 grandparent left alive. I’ve come to a point in my life where it’s a real possibility of losing parents etc. I have to cherish what time I have left, the last goodbye might truly be the last one. I think if I spend more time with people I love I will feel better about myself and feel as though I am giving 110% in life.

I am also giving men a hiatus, or at least I am going to try to…as stated above I struggle with that but I need some me time and I think it’s overdue for me to take a good hard look in the mirror and face my demons head on.

The sooner I can love myself and be at peace with who I am, the sooner the small things in life won’t seem so big. The small rejection or feeling like I’m not good enough won’t matter because I will know I have value on my own.

*Sometimes, opening your eyes is the hardest thing you will ever do*

2 thoughts on “Which of your personal relationships matter to you most?”

  1. Whats great Stephanie is that you acknowledge that you hurt people. Thats because of the wounds that you have sustained on your life journey. What have you learned and what will you do differently? I think you have answered these today and encourage you to keep asking those questions each day. Maybe this free website can support http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/listening-skills.html

  2. Thank you… I’m trying to do some self exploration. I appreciate the kind words and the website! 🙂

    Steph

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