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As long as I know how to live I know I’ll be alive.

I’ve lived a most pained and tortured existence. I feel pain daily. I feel pain every moment of my day. I feel pain in being around others and pain when I’m alone. I thrive in solitude; my soul blossoms. I don’t hate the pain, I love the pain because it is real. Torture shows you have a soul and a heart that beats and you are here and this is a blessing. I am here for a reason and I will fight for the right to feel complete and successfully mentally accept myself. I don’t want to be happy all the time; that is unreal and unrealistic. I just want to be able to handle my mental status in satisfactory working condition. Not anyone else’s idea of working order, but my own version.

It’s so hard to accept that you’ve hit the god damn bottom and don’t have the strength or ability to pick yourself back up all on your own. It’s the pride that hurts the most. After all I’ve conquered through my life, it just hurts knowing I’ve fell right back down. I thought it was over, but it’s never over. It’s a lifelong strong. Being a human is the most drawn out painful effort existence ever. Everything is beautiful and everything hurts. I enjoy feeling pain because it reminds me this is real and all worth it. Pain reminds me of past pain and how strong I am to have conquered my demons and come this far to this point and to battle more of my devils. Once I’m done with my time here on earth whenever that may be, I will have taken down all the damn fuckers who thought they could hold be back, hold me down and keep me under. They bury me deep underground and think I will choke and suffocate without air, but I dig in my nails and dig hard and scratch and pull myself slowly but god damn surely out of that pity fucking hole. No one now no fucking how will ever hold me down. I am stronger than anything I’ve ever gone through or will go through and am currently going through. I will be fucking triumphant this time, and next time. I will pull through and fight my way back until death is decided upon me. I will not quit. I do not give up. I will fight for what I’ve already fought so hard for.

Life will never ever make me it’s bitch again. This life is mine to live. I make life my bitch and show her who the fuck is really in control. I won’t back down. I’ve fought far too long and hard to crumble now. I am indestructible. I am stronger than my weakness. I will prevail and come through victorious once again. This isn’t my first fucking go around, this is nothing. I have this in the bag. It’s just hard to remember to breathe. I need to keep reminding myself that I am bigger than this and once I conquer this obstacle, I am going to be the strongest I have ever been. I thought I was strong, but you can always prove to yourself that you can do anything and accomplish more. You can take control over your own life and own that shit. There is always going to be more pain, more struggle, more heartbreak, more torture. But the act of struggling and living through these real shitty human motions over and over and still being here proves that it was all worth it. Each new struggle shows that you can take more and more and you are stronger than ever before. Life is a love hate relationship. Pain in beauty.

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