I messaged you, mostly because well I’m still confused. Blind-sighted by the break up. The conversation on the phone when it happened was the longest 18 mins of silence. I think because I was shocked, I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Yet you cried. Can you see where I’m confused. So I caved last night, I messaged telling you I haven’t texted or called for my sanity, but I’m still lost. You said it’s because you need to figure out things going on with you right now. I get it, I moved at a shitty time..but you were the one pushing me to do it and go back to school, my number one cheerleader the whole time. Now that I’m not coming back, and this is not a usual I’m gone on a work trip (was a flight attendant) and coming home in a couple days, you freak. The day of the break up on the phone you say it would have been inevitable in the long run with the distance, but gave it literally two weeks. I know you get in your head a lot, and maybe those around you influenced it, but you didn’t even try.
So here I am, just re-thinking about last nights messages. How you say you’re sorry “I’m confused,” and “You could of made the worst mistake in your life, but you won’t know until you figure some things out for yourself. There are some things you need to do and you don’t feel like going into now, that you’re trying to make this as easy as possible.” These two messages… I’m stuck between thinking you’re confused, but then also that you’re done. I hate that I messaged, gives me that little flame of hope. I wish I could blow that flame back out.
I ended the conversation with a, “Well I wish you nothing but the best on whatever it is you have to do for you. You know I’ll always be here for you and you know where I stand. aka this blows lol.”
Thought I’d lighten the mood, since well you clearly didn’t want to talk, but yet you responded. And well I didn’t want you to think I hate you, because I don’t. But I’m also not going to beg for you to come back. I just wanted some sort of closure.
Then the last message from you after I said I wish you the best, “I know and I’m sorry. fyi I bought a truck.”
Why? Yeah sure thats one thing I was trying to help you with because you wanted it more than anything. Why end the conversation and then tell me something you clearly have been dying to tell me. You know how bad I wanted that truck for you and all the things we were thinking and doing to get you one.
So I sit here, confused still. & well slowly coming to peace that I may not know anymore and that I need to let that flame dwindle again, because it may not happen. But at the same time, I am oh so proud of myself. I’m in the mindset of just taking care of myself. I’m not texting old flings in my phone like I usually would. I’m not trying to find attention from others like I usually would. I’m just taking care of me, no more texting old flings or exes after breakups. Just time to be on my own and do what I want to do. No more shaping my life around others.
Just take it one day at a time.