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I keep trippin’. I’ve fallen

“Don’t punish me for wanting your love inside of me. “

You inspire my greatness.

This isn’t the end. This is just the beginning. The beginning of something great. The beginning of beautiful. You left me so inspired. My heart is still on fire. No sorrow. Not tomorrow. Only gracious gratitude. The word perfect didn’t exist until you did. I didn’t exist until you made me exist. And I’ve thanked you ever since. This is feeling is so real. This feeling is so unique. Please don’t let it die. I am so happy. Pinch me. Hurt me. The only way I can ever know it’s real is torture. Please take care of me. You were comfortable sound in my bed and I wanted to wake you and rape your love. You can go to bed, but not until I’m dead. Please wait for me. I need your loving patience in my bones. You are the only feeling that is real. You are the only feeling I have ever felt. Don’t be fleeting. I am so needing. Of you. I need you. Please need me too. I can’t wait to be back in the sweet embrace of your loving arms. Please don’t go away. You have to stay. You can go away, but only for today. This feeling won’t soon be fleeting. I hope soon we will be meeting. You are the moonlight. The star shine. The twilight of my soul. If I come on too strong, I’m not sorry. Because I can’t be weak. Never meek. You are my angel. You’ve guided me home through this narrow path of hell I have been living. You’ve set my heart, my entirety on fire, but I can’t find the means to extinguish these flames that burn into my soles. But I don’t need to nor want to, because I love the way it burns and scorches. These torches you’ve lit will never burn out.

I keep these empty beer cans as decoration of your being in my presence and once existing in my time and space. A reminder of your soul lingering in my room. Even though I need no reminder, because you are always with me every day in my heart I feel your presence. I feel your touch. I feel your love. I feel your soft warm gentle breath on my neck.

Your flowers grow inside and out of my soul.

I keep smelling the inside of your hat maybe in hopes that you will just come back and fall right back on track into my lap just like that. It’s hard to feel when you don’t feel real. Life is a fucking steal, you stole my heart and ripped it away and I kind of need that everyday but you’re still so far gone away… I just don’t know what to say. These feels are too real and they hurt like a dog scratch on the backside of your leg under your skirt that you wore to show off your long legs and keep him wanting more. Isn’t that life.

IT hurts. OH god it hurts. I’m so hurt. I’m burnt. I’m your bad Aunt’s dried up and over cooked turkey on holidays. While the kids used to play and everything was all okay. But not no more, at least not today. It just doesn’t work out that way.

I’m over done. Feels like I’ve kicked my whole life in the sun like a bum. That’s how my life feels. I don’t walk around on high heels. I drag my pride along with me because I’ve fallen and it’s too heavy to pick back up. I really feel like running but I can’t move my feet on the streets; they refuse to move. Don’t move. Won’t move. But still I don’t have lungs so it makes it that much more difficult. I don’t breathe at all. I can’t these days. I just call. I call you in my dreams but you never come back my way. I have nightmares of spiders coming for me but you come back just in time to save me, you’re so kind. Baby. Lately, I think about you every crushing moment of every crazy lazy day alone without you. Chain smoking cigarettes oh yes, but oh no. It’s not the same not now, not without you. Because now I can’t cover up the pain. Inside my heart is stained. Like tea stains on my soul, it’s getting old. Fuck I guess I fucked up. I always fuck up. FUCK.

But this happens every time. Guaranteed every time. I cry. I die. I am reborn with you and you take me under the ocean blue and drown me in your love. But I come to the surface and you’re still gone. Once again. Damn man, I thought we were making a plan. I’m going under. I think I’m really going under this time. It’s so easy to rhyme when the feelings make sense and connect with the perfect words because it was meant to be. How I feel is real and it was meant to be this way. This way is my game. MY fate. I love too much. But I guess you can never love enough. It sucks! I let you in. I break. I fall apart all around you.

One day I’m present. One day I’m gone. Not here. Far along that I disappear. It happens often. Too often I just fucking lost it. Happiness once. Sadness twice. Confusion three times. Disappointment four times. I’m lost. Feel like I’m choking in the bottom of a pool filled with wasps. Walking along the train tracks I just want to crash. Into the train. It starts to rain. Hard. I feel insane in my god damn fucking brain.

I’m quite positively demented. I thought I left you fermented but I guess I just left then.

I love looking at your face, but it’s just such a fucking disgrace because it’s not in it’s most rightful place. Next to mine. On my lips. Kiss my kiss. I miss this… The cuddles were dope. I loved the after sex smoke. You almost made me choke on my feelings they came too quick. They came too strong. I already wish I could move on. Because the pain always outweighs the painless. But I like where I’m at. That’s a fact. I love it but I Hate it. It controls my life. It controls my soul. These tears really fall when I type because this just doesn’t feel right, feeling like you’ve fallen off the face of the earth straight up out of my life. It’s not right. It’s not fair. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to care. All I know is that I really really just want you. So damn true. Ain’t that a bitch? Yeah life, she’s a fucking prick. She don’t quit. She never gives up. It’s rough. Tough love. That’s what they call it. I wish I could uninstall it. Like that hardware covered in demon viruses that ate the life out your computer screen.

I’ve fallen hard. I can’t feel my face. It’s a disgrace. But I just can’t replace this feeling you give me. It’s so real I can’t feel. I can’t feel my face. My heart stops beating. I am no longer holding the reigns to steer this horse home safely. And I know it ain’t me just being crazy. I’m sure sometimes, someone, somewhere out there feels the same way every day. It’s okay. It will be okay. I will be alright. I think I can ride. I think I can survive. Even after you’ve stolen my heart, and stole my lungs and stomped them into dust… I still trust that you like me too. Because I know you do. I’m just so feeling you. It’s true.

But this is just me being me. I’m crazy. I’m crazy for me. I’m crazy for you. I’m crazy about you. I’m crazy burning for your kiss. I need your touch. I need your fuck. I can never resist. I’m lost. I’m drunk every night. I need to feel intoxicated. And if it’s not you getting me drunk, the beer will have to make do. This is just me. This is my take through. Take two. This is real. This is how I feel. I can’t fucking deal. It’s a fucking burden. I’m stirring. Tossing. Turning. Burning. Burning for you. I burnt my body like a bridge for you and now I need for you to see me through to the end so you can pick up the pieces that I’ve been leaving and bleeding. Find some new meaning and piece me back together. I feel sick in warm weather. When it rains I feel reborn like never before. This isn’t the first storm I’m weathered. You should have know better. To assume. That you know my doom.

I reminisce of birds chirping in the early morning thinking of you, and all I think about is losing you. Losing your love. Losing your spirit. Losing your life. Cigarettes in bed. In the night. Into the morning. I like you. I need you. But I can’t tell you this. I feel and fear of losing you due to my craziness. I feel so small and keep feeling smaller. You made me. I love feeling miniscule in your arms. Only in the best way. Even though we are the same size, I feel so perfectly content in your arms. In your eyes. You stared at me and I broke down. I felt like a clown. But I’m not going to frown because I am so fucking down. No one has ever looked at me so kind. With such good intentions. Nothing but kind love. No one has ever made me feel so right. You make me feel so small in the biggest way. I just wish I could make you and break you into needing me as much as I need you. I don’t need you, but I want you. I crave you. I need your touch too much, it sucks. Because you’re never here. But you’re always here. With me. In my heart. In my tender soul. You won’t be here. But you burn so big and bright. I feel you in my entire being. You encompass my heart and soul and entire existence and being. I should smile that you said “where does this leave us six months from now?” but that’s a long time. Time goes quick, it stops for no one not you, not me. But time changes everything. So who knows. Not me. Not you. All I know is I would stop the world for you. I would stop the earth for you. I would wait my entire life for you. I would wait my entire six months for you. Any day, anytime, any week, any month, any year. But that is what I fear. Stopping and waiting and wasting hope on anyone, but you. You are the greatest exception. I trust you. I trust too easily but I trust you more than anyone I’ve ever trusted; and it throws me off my game and my thoughts. Because you made me so lost.

You called me a sweet girl. I cried. I never saw someone look at me so sweet. I weep. I turn away. I can’t even pursued you to stay. I swayed you to stay the night, but you won’t stay my whole life.
I try to be strong for me. I try to hold a steady heart beat. But some things can’t be controlled. Such as my love for you.

I lock myself inside my room and write these words because I can hear it. It speaks to my spirit.

My heart didn’t even ever exist until you.

Am. Sick.
Eternally for you.

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