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pain n hate hate n pain

Do you see this pain and this sadness it encompasses my madness. I’m just a canvas of savageness sadness. It can’t be candid. No shame for this pain that I cannot contain. There’s no reason to pity for this pain. It’s my name. Been cut into my veins. It’s deranged, but the only way I feel sane. It’s not inane, I’m only the same. Untamed.

My hardness to try to cover my pain with this bandage. It’s just the only way I know how to cope with my own madness. Fucking sickness. I’ve witnessed. My own slow cruel painful demise. It comes as no surprise. To never apologize. You can see into my eyes. It breeds deep into my soul. Since I was zero years old. Painful baby girl in a world full of hurt.

Life is pain and I thrive on it. I don’t despite it. I pour more of this bottle I told myself I wouldn’t drink the whole thing. But it’s hard when you have to much to think. This cigarette never lasts long enough and I have to light up another one. Fill my cup. Full of misplaced trust. I drink it down it’s must. To cover up the pain everyone’s given me. The pain I’ve given myself. 

 

I trust people more than I trust myself.

I thought I knew myself better than anyone else.

That was the biggest mistake I ever made. Full of self hate that I reciprocate. I hate the burning taste but it is my fate. I deserve it. I’ve learned it. It makes me feel like I deserve it. The burn. The hurt. The 

I don’t drink fast anymore to kill the pain. It just stains. I’ve lost my touch because I’ve become numb and I feel so dumb. You got the best of me. Now I am left weak. I used to be so strong. Now I am all wrong. I used to be able to let my fingers type madness now my sadness has left me weak with nothing left to speak. I want to break free. I am left alone on my own and feel so meek. Weak.

 

to be continued….

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