I don’t know why I don’t know why

When the person you love the most won’t care enough and love you enough to set you free, then I guess that’s just the way it has to be. When you can’t care anything about yourself when you know you need help, but you still give yourself to everyone else. When you need help but you can’t help yourself. You give more to those you love, you forgot how to love yourself. The worst point in my life, the most pain I’ve ever felt doesn’t feel like much because I forgot how to feel. I hurt but I can’t feel pain because I’ve felt so much to this point; I’m numb. I forgot what I’ve became, so much it’s like novocain. The most pain but no gain.

“If only they could see
If only they had been here
They would understand
How someone could have chosen
To go the length I’ve gone
To spend just one day riding
Holding on to you
I never thought it would be this clear”

Hate breeds hate. Love breeds hate. Were all images and full of hate. Can’t fucking appreciate. I wrote something down and was so stupid I deleted it on accident because I’m not here. It’s maybe not so clear, but I’m full and ridden of fear. I’ve never truly existed. I’m just a puss full infected cyst forced to unfortunately exist. And I’m pissed. Kill me once. Shame on my existence. Kill me twice. Shame on your persistence. Kill me three times. Shame on me for not dying. I am eternal. Eternally hateful. Eternally grateful for this pain that embodies my sick fucking nature. I drink these beers to kill the pain. I feel no pain. No shame. Bad things are coming your way. Don’t try to stray. It will find you anyway.

The biggest regret is that I’ve never given myself the chance to love myself, only everyone else. I never gave myself the chance to love myself. I never gave myself the chance to care enough to grow, only the opportunity to kill myself. I’ve only ever felt pain and torture, but its become my entire existence that to this point I don’t care but to hurt myself and everyone in my path. I’ve destroyed myself and everyone I’ve ever loved. Because I’ve never loved myself, only everyone else. I cant help myself but only everyone else, though at the end it’s mass destruction. My corruption is self destruction. My own conniption.

“The wind is in your hair
It’s covering my view
I’m holding on to you.”

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