I feel sometimes like I can’t talk to anyone. My brain goes all haywire and I get mixed emotions about who I am and who I can and can’t talk to. I have plenty of friends. All willing to listen. Wanting me to open up. “Living the life you do is no good.” They all say. My friends have and will always be here for me. But right now all I have are shadows. I’m fighting a battle within myself. My thoughts are over bearing. Making me go insane with emotions. I cry, and scream, and close myself off from the world. My friends that are now shadows in My mind. Have become enemies fighting along side with my half of brain that wants me to be depressed. Yelling things. Very mean things. And all while I’m desperately trying to tune them out, they get louder. Louder. LOUDER! You’re not good enough. You’re a burden. Basically what it comes down to. Sometimes I think they are right. Its really hard to tell the difference between them sometimes. They look so real. The shadows. They come and go. Some more than others. The shadows want me to join them in misery. I’m fighting with them all the time. The shadows get so angry when I tell them to go away. At times it’s like being in prison in my own head. The thoughts are able to come and go. But the shadows over power them. And just when I feel like the shadows will win.
(I would love to tell you that I won. That I’m all better. The shadows have dissappeared. The war that went on inside my head is over. I’ve won. The prison cell door that once locked me up in my own head has now unlocked and I am free.)
I have a lot of good people in my life. And sometimes I can’t open up to anyone. I only trust a few people in my life. Even with them It’s hard to open up. It’s why I write here. Maybe opening up to complete strangers is what I need. I try to talk to my friends. Sometimes their actions and body language tells me to shut down and stop talking. Because they don’t want to hear it. Actions are way louder than words and trust me. I know. I’m ignored all the time. I have always been ignored. A lot of my friends ignore me. I get asked a question and I go to say my answer and they walk away. I try to yell and say “hey, I was just about to tell you my answer!” but the shadows overturn it and I close up. Going back to the war in my head. Telling me they never wanted the answer. They wanted to make you feel like your apart of this conversation. But in reality your not. I’m nothing but a little bug they just wanted to squash. A little annoying knat that buzzes around the old fruit.
Worst of all. I’m alone in all this.
As I sit here with the war inside my head. I will still be here tomorrow. And I know it’s a good thing to keep fighting. And I hope I dont get tired of fighting.
Emotion wise this took a lot out of me. These thoughts are constantly in my head. I have never once thought that I would ever write them down. Let alone share with anyone.