I feel as if fear controls our ability to survive.
My stomach is in knots half of the time I’m awake, because I too am constantly walking in fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being broken, fear of not making the decision that is going to be the best for my life. See life works in a funny way, or God works in a funny way I guess. He knows the outcomes that lie ahead of us, and watches as we make decisions that could in turn “ruin” our temporary happiness. It is a dreadful thing. I want to know what will cause me the most permanent happiness, rather then creating a temporary happiness that will end in destruction. We all are just a little…scared.
But in our defense, we live in an awful society. A society that promotes the acceptance of cheaters, liars, whores, the “easy” thing, versus the real thing. And in that defense, it’s “okay”. For me, my ability to forgive made all of those things “okay”, and accessible. They created a demon who haunts my every hour of sleep, and even my hours of being awake. I’m just a little, scared, but its okay because fear is normal.
Because fear creates rush. It creates existence, and a thrill, and the rush of the love that rolls off my lips and tongue as I say the words “I love you,” to the very creature who has created this monster of fear. But, fear is instilled simply with a lack of confidence, that same confidence that should be instilled by me. Not society. So we sit here, all in fear. In fear of being not accepted, not loved back, but why does that matter?
Honestly, I’m tired of fear controlling me, my relationship, my happiness. It consumes my soul. Burns and tugs at every fiber in my being and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the feeling of constraint and pain that tug at my lungs, stomach and heart every time I see him and every time I’m wrapped in his arms. Loving him is scary. Is that good? Is that real? I don’t know anymore… We all are just a little too…well scared.