Connection Confusion

I am so confused right now. For weeks I longed for you. For weeks I had countless thoughts about you that sent tingles through my body. But then last night I saw you, heard your voice and did not know how to feel. Despite seeing you a little over a month ago, the different voice striked me again. It was not the one I always remembered – I don’t even know if it has changed? I don’t know why that matters? But I also found that our conversation didn’t flow as natural this time. There were awkward pauses and moments where we had ran out of things to say – or  I didn’t understand you. I don’t know if it has come down to nerves or sexual tension? Or maybe you have so much going right now? I am not sure. But I sat there half zoned out at times questioning why all of a sudden, those feelings for you have vanished. It was like I was telling myself and that there was no connection. I can’t believe I am expressing this! Especially after all the emotions I have rode out over the past couple of weeks. And I don’t know where those feelings went or why I couldn’t feel them at that point in time. It really is the strangest thing.  Am I back peddling for my own protection not to get hurt – again? Is the timing not right? Or is this just not literally written in the stars? I wanted this so bad and now I am so confused.

However, when we went to bed and one thing lead to the other – I stopped thinking about all of the confusion. I got caught up in the moment. Afterwards, I laid upon your chest and I felt happy. I rolled away from you onto my side, you followed and placed your arm around me, I felt good. We shared a few more soft kisses and I loved that. Yet the goodbye kiss was slightly awkward as I didn’t know if we were going in for the kiss or not. We suggested that the next sleep over should occur when both of us have no morning commitments. You then said ‘talk soon’ and I replied ‘no worries catch ya’. I walked out your door and sat in my car – my initial thoughts were that I actually in fact won’t be worried about longing for you. Not in a bad way or anything, but I was happy to feel like I wouldn’t be caught up in the worry about you.

But now as time has progressed since seeing you, I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I am not worried about not hearing from you for a while. On the other I am waiting for a text. The feelings about liking you and feeling connected to you are trickling back. But then I remember back to exactly how I felt at your place – because I was very sure to make a mental note about it, and am now questioning myself. Am I making up an image of you in my head that gets challenged when I see you? Please don’t get me wrong. I still think highly of you, and care immensely about you and what we share. I am just frustrated that I am not feeling the same about you as I did before – like this was a sure thing. A part of me still believes that – I just didn’t feel it when I saw you and that’s what scares me. Could it be that I have now found a complete faith in the idea that the universe will take care of this if its meant to be -that my emotions can now take a back seat in the situation? Or maybe this is a once off situation? I can’t believe I am mad at myself for not obsessing over you. Especially when I was obsessing over you – it was driving me insane and I just wanted to stop doing that. Maybe I was getting caught up in high school emotions? I really am going to just let the universe do its thing. I want to see you before I leave. If we do not catch up before then, I have no hesitation or worry about asking to see you one last time before I leave – I look forward to it.

I still know that we will always be great friends no matter how much time passes by. A part of me still thinks there is more to come of us in the future. We still have some growing to do before then – maybe that’s when the connection will present itself back to me. Until then, it has hidden away so I don’t go crazy thinking about you.

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