Grief never leaves..

Having lost my dad to stomach cancer three years ago I could never know just how powerful and consuming grief is. I was always known for my inner strength and I even remember my mother telling me that as my dad lay dying that he knew I’d be strong enough to deal with losing him. If only he knew just how wrong he was. I was 22 when my dad died and I’m 25 now. Yes I am young and many will think that I have a lifetime to deal with and ‘get over’ my grief but I can never forget what I’ve seen. Cancer is a cruel illness both to those that suffer and the family left to watch it consume and destroy their loved ones. I saw the agony my poor father went through every minute of every day. He  was constantly vomiting, starving but couldn’t eat, thirsty but didn’t have the strength to hold a bottle or a cup to his lips and in the end too weak to even swallow. He couldn’t walk without suffering several falls a day, he suffered hallucinations and SVT and fits and in the end he lost even his dignity. He was always such a strong and proud man and yet cancer took him down to nothing. Pride and dignity means nothing to ‘Lady C’. She will bring you down however high you are, however big you are. Whether you are a powerful and rich person or someone that lives on the streets begging for every scrap she will bring you down and she will kick you when you’re down and then she will step on you and crush you into the ground until there is nothing of you left but skin and bone and death. I relive his suffering in my thoughts and dreams. Every morning my first thought is ‘Daddy’s dead and I must start another day without him.’ Every night my last thoughts are ‘Daddy’s dead and I’ll never see him again.’ Sometimes my dreams play nasty tricks on me and he’s alive and well and we enjoy each other’s company and I can smell his aftershave, feel his touch, hear is voice and he is more alive than ever and then I wake up happy and thankful that I haven’t lost him and then reality hits.. It was all just a dream and the truth is he’s dead well and truly and his being alive was an illusion of the mind. That’s hard. Very hard to deal with. I go through my day like the ‘tough cookie’ I am or at least pretend to be, helping my mother through her grief and playing the ‘strong and reliable one’ but inside I am suffocating and I am slowly being eaten away by grief. Each day it gets harder to fight back the tears, to smile and laugh and joke, to act normal. Please do not allow anyone to disillusion you for I am telling you now that you never ‘get over’ grief and it does not ‘get easier’. You don’t even learn to accept grief instead you learn to live with it and I can tell you now grief is one roommate you don’t want staying with you.

4 thoughts on “Grief never leaves..”

  1. You were so young to see your Dad suffer and die. I’m so sorry it happened that way.
    I do know that our loved ones come to us in dreams sometimes, happy dreams, to help us with the grief. These are not just dreams, they are visitations from Heaven. You will see your Dad again, though it may be a long while. Try not to focus on the pain which is so searing, but focus on the love. Love him more than ever before, and bless him in your prayers. I believe our blessings reach our loved ones in Heaven and make them even happier than they already are. I see you are engaged to a wonderful man—-that is excellent! He will help you get through this. You will find joy again, dear girl. Your dad finished his life on earth, but you have a lot of good life ahead: marriage, babies, who knows? I know you will be blessed. I believe your father is praying for you from Heaven. Just love him more and more, and those around you, too. When the heart is broken, all the love can spill out like living water to bring healing to you and others. I know probably none of these words help, because you heart IS so broken, beyond consolation. But I wanted to respond and send you a hug.

  2. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my journal entry and thank you for the kindness and warmth I feel from your words. I read your reply twice because it gave me comfort ♥ I also really appreciate what you said in regards to prayers and heaven. I never really believed in God until a year before my dad passed. One day out of the blue I got this overwhelming urge to turn to Him and a feeling that I would need Him soon and that he was letting me know he was there. Ever since then I’ve held on to Him and I try to understand that He has reasons for all that he does and that even though I may not always know why things turn out as they do that I must trust in Him. God bless you and yours ♥ xx

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