I run because it makes me free.
I run when I need to relax
I run when I feel depressed
I run through the seasons because it’s the only thing that keeps me alive.
I run because the struggle to run when you are hurt, down, in pain feeling horrible is the same as the everyday struggle I’ve been through. Through the pain and the blood, sweat, and tears, I’ve survived through the hardships, and with running I’ve gone through the same.
The first time in middle school I tried hurtles, I fell every hurtle, scraped up my knees and elbows but I was determined, I picked myself up everytime I fell, and I eventually finished. From that day forward I was hooked on running, because immediately I realized I did the same thing every day of my life.
In high school I was on the cross country team and I was running from school to the park for a meet, I was crossing the street, I had looked both ways at the median middle island and as I hit the pavement the light changed from red to green and I was knocked to the ground in the intersection by a woman who was texting behind the wheel and didn’t see me. I was in shock so I just got up and kept running, I had abrasions on both legs, and was bleeding badly there was an ambulance in the intersection and the state police station was a block over, someone from school noticed me at the police station and asked if I was okay I asked her if she could grab me some paper towels from the police station and see if she could get help, the police officer talked with me, and the ambulance pulled up into the parking lot, I always carry a phone on me when I go running for safety purposes or emergencies so I called my grandmother who happened to be close. I have trouble advocating for myself verbally, I’ve never truly found the right words to say to anyone, my grandmother was the one who understood that fully and was always there to help.
I got checked out by the EMT’s I was bandaged up and I refused to go to the hospital because I wanted to go to my meet, my grandmother didn’t let me go but I went to watch my teammates I took the day off on the bench and went to practice the next day and took it easy.
Running has been there for me during my worst times in life, when I was admitted to hospitals for emotional problems or behavioral issues, I used to run the length of the hall in the hospital back and forth just so I could keep my sanity for a full 3-4 weeks stuck in isolation which felt like forever.
The end of my junior year of high school I was in spring track I broke a record in javeline and received a trophy for varsity team leader, my grandmother was always my biggest fan and a huge support. She was in the hospital the week of my Jr. prom, my brother and I where at my aunts house so my aunt offered to drive me, prom was alright it was at the Sheraton hotel and I went in a town car with my friend. I had fun.
I was on chinz from 16 and at the time my life at home was horrible. My brother was addicted to PlayStation and violently aggressive without it, I hid in my room drawing or writing doing homework but the amount of arguing going on while we where around each other was turmoil, we had family therapists involved but it was never helpful, one week we had a hard weekend, my brother had gotten arrested for a night and the following week the judge ordered me into custody of DCF to give my grandmother a break, she wasn’t happy. I went to another program and I was sick of it by the end of the week, I knew people there that I didn’t get along with, I was being picked on every day and night, my house was right around the corner and I couldn’t even see my grandmother, I was literally feeling like shit. I was still going to school finishing up my junior year and one of the girls from the program pushed me too far over the tip of the ice berg. I got into a fist fight the next day at school and ended up with a sever concussion, I was hospitalized for about two months then placed into another program, my summer was gone.
My senior year I started back at school, I needed to keep my grades up to graduate. I went to a day program for a while to help stay focused and work on coping with depression and anxiety My grandmother was in and out of the hospital sick and my life was a mess, I tried a new fall sport because cross country was too much on my knees and I wanted to make the best of my last year of high school so I tried soccer, I didn’t get far because I had a pregnancy scare so I quit, I started spring track back up in the spring and I was at practice from 2-5 every day until my grandmother started taking back and forth trips to the hospital or acting confused at home, the day I quit my coach said if I left I wouldn’t make the scholarship for the following year, it literally tore me to shreds and ripped me up from the inside out. I didn’t let myself feel it until a lot later on though because I knew I was about to loose my grandmother, as she was progressively getting sick it couldn’t be about me. I waited for the right time to tell her and when I did she was dissapointed that I didn’t take the scholarship, I said how could I. She yelled at me and asked me if I knew what I just lost, I knew full heartedly but I made a decision and sacrificed what I wanted for what I needed to do at that moment. My grandmother was wicked stubborn, she didn’t want to ask much of her brothers or sisters so while she was ill alot fell on my brother and I for a while until we couldn’t handle anymore, my grandmother had a nurse coming in every few days and by my graduation she was completely deteriorating brittle and weak.
when my grandmother was dying I would run when I was home alone sometimes because it beat sitting in the house crying.
My grandmother passed away after I started college in the fall of 2013
After she passed I had a very long transition of moving around through unstable placements I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter in 2014 with the same person I dated throughout high school and the only person who I can literally say has been through my worst with me. As for my current situation i am currently in a shelter transitioning and I still run and exercise it has been the only thing I have to hold onto to cope and keep me going.
When I need a shoulder to cry on I put sunglasses on, plug my headphones in and run.
My time alone to myself, I run, it’s a choice to improve my body because working on myself and being better than my yesterday is meeting goals that I’ve promised myself a million times over and over again.
I started running young and the day I finish is the day I die because I have a passion and a desire to keep working on my goals. Even if I don’t reach those goals I will still try.
It takes a lot to stand up to my problems in life, it takes a lot for me to speak to others. I do it because I have to but it’s easier with a way to cope.