Love of my life

For 8 months ago, my life got ruined my the so called love of my life. Lets just call him Ricky. We dated for a good 6 months ish, and it was the happiest time of my life. I hadn’t been so in love for a while, and It was good to just hang out and be together with your best friend. I really loved him. But, we broke up right before the christmas ball. At our school we have a six-month rule, which means that you have to be together with your boyfriend/girlfriend for at least half a year, before you could officially go together, if not, they would pick a randomly name and that would be your date for the evening. That ball was both the best and the worst. I felt so much closer to him that evening, he was so sweet dancing with me, even though he really sucked at it. And when other girls asked him to dance, he’d have eye contact with me, reassuring it was okay. Then when he’d come back, he’d hold me close and tell me about how boring it was and that if I got bored of him, I could just go to my other friends. 

Later that evening, he gave me his jacket, then went to dance with another girl. Then I suddenly realized that shit, he wasn’t mine anymore and I had to let him go, I had to see him with another girl, more girls, the rest of our school years. And I knew that was the right thing, because if you love something you have to let it go. His attitude against me had changed so much, it was like we were strangers with just memories and love, but not feelings. He kept saying he loved me, but he changed so much recently. 
My tears builded up, and I ran to my nearest friend on the dance floor. Lets call her Jessica.
Jessica was dancing with her now ex-boyfriend, a few months after the ball they ended up together.

I ran up to her, started crying and she took me out. She nearly hid me under her huge, prom-ish dress, so no one would see what happened around them. The moment we arrived the bathroom, I broke down. I tried so hard to keep my tears in, but on the same time it felt so good crying and having someone to comfort me. I held them in for so long, since the day we broke up and he regretted and started talking to me. Ever since we broke up, I destroyed nearly every piece of me, I spent so much time on trying to calm him down when he was angry. I spent all my time on talking to him, even though it hurt, because the second we broke up, I told myself to get over him. To ignore him and try to do what’s best for me. 

When I came out from the bathroom, we took a break outside the hall. I couldn’t go back in when I was like this. And of course, at that moment I decided to let Ricky go, he came out. Right up to me, asked me whats wrong. And the moment my thoughts bursted out, I regretted telling him at once. I kept overthinking every piece, kept digging myself down, telling myself that everything wrong in our relationship was my fault. That I shouldn’t even be near to him, because he’s too good for me. But in the end I realized that everything was wrong with him. That the person I thought he was, had disappeared and turned into someone I never would think Id be friends with. 

That evening we both left crying. I told him that he had changed a lot, but he wouldn’t admit it. I told him he friend zoned me, I told him I felt like we weren’t so close like we used to be. That it might just be best to start ignoring each other and move on. His friend even came up to us, told us that it was a huge shame that we argued like this, because apparently we were so fucking perfect together. Soulmates. And at this point, I really am starting to believe that we are. Even after all the time he and his ex-girlfriend broke up, he started talking to me again. Telling me everything and then blocking me again, because he got back together with her. 

But now its over, at least he thinks so. I visited him last week and the thing is that I really dont even care about it. It felt good having him near me, his presence was making me calm and thats when I realized how much I missed him. How much I just missed cuddling with him and talking about everything, even though its still awkward between us on social medias. I dont know wether to text him or not, send hearts or not, flirt or not. Deep inside Im actually terrified for falling in love with him again. I hate the feeling when you’re apart, sitting home and wondering about what the other part is doing. Who is he talking to? Things like that. 

I know that in a real and honest relationship, you’re supposed to trust and love each other, no matter what happens. But trusting someone is a big deal, its hard to just let someone into you that way. To let someone know what you’re thinking all the time and why, to let all your frustrations and thoughts into someones lap like that. But love is a hard and complicated thing. And I know Im terrified of falling in love with someone, especially him, because we’ve been through this more than just one time. Whats going on now, happened last time we got together. I know he isn’t ready for anything. He literally wrote -fuck relationships, I just get hurt all the time. Well of course, relationships really sucks sometimes, at least getting out of them. 
I guess Ill just have to ignore him and try getting with someone else instead.. 

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