I had a really rough day yesterday. First of all, I am exausted from work last week, then all the rejection from Brent. I cried a lot. I thought about killing myself a lot. I was angry at my children for not taking up for me or seeming to even give a shit about how badly Brent is hurting me. I want them to be pissed at him. I want them to tell him he’s an asshole for treating me this way. But they treat him as good as ever. Of course I feel like no one cares about me, because no one cares about me. The children will say they do, but what else would they say? Their actions indicate otherwise.
I’m writing all this down in case I do end up dying. It will be documentation as to how I was feeling and why. Not that Brent would ever feel a moment’s guilt or responsibility for anything. He never has. He will probably be happy to be rid of me for good.
I have no friends. I have no family. I have nothing, really. My job which was so wonderful last year is not looking like it will be nearly as good this year. I’ve already been aggravated several times and we’ve only had one week of school. And, like is always the case, it is never, ever the kids that cause my problems, it is the adults in the building.
I took 2 lithium pills last night. My doctor told me to take 1 every day the first week, then start taking 2. So far it has not helped at all. I have read that not everyone responds to it. I am probably one of those that don’t. I’m not sure what else my doctor can do at this point. I am deeply depressed and have been since December. January and February were so bad, I hardly remember anything from that time.
Today I feel terrible physically. My neck is killing me. It is so sore. I just feel worn out. My hands and feet are swollen. And all I can do is keep going.