I want to hate you so bad
But I can’t stop this
Anymore than you can
I wish I could replace my heart with an extra set of lungs. Because I want it to stop beating. Because I cannot continue breathing. When you’re weighing on my chest. My heart needs a rest. I want to stop this pain and this torturous strain on my heart. It’s been working over time my entire life and not even getting paid minimum wage. I feel you all the time around me but nowhere to be found. When I look next to me. I feel cheap. I try to keep away from writing about you because I can’t help it when something I type hits me like a fucking brick to my existence. I can’t give up what I feel within. This has been the most difficult strenuous painful moment in my entire life and I don’t feel right. Where are you. I need you. You’re so close, but I need to stay away. You’re no good. You’re my poison which has killed me for two years. And it’s still unclear why I love you. Probably because you’re the only one that will ever fully know me. Crazy and all. Inside and out. How I go crazy when I drink wine. How I will piss on your stuff so you can’t leave. How everything in everything reminds me of you. How much we love our lephants. Oh how we love our lephants. I can’t ever forget the night our elephants were shipped out, and we drove to Oregon at three in the morning just because. And I broke down and started bawling about how much I loved them. And you consoled me. How much I missed them and I will never see them again. It meant so much to me because they were our babies. These memories sting like bees, but also set me free and make me happy, for a single minute. Then it’s back to pain.
I know you so well. You know me so well. I don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t want to show, myself. I am a secret. I only want you to know all my ticks, turn ons, insecurities. Deep and shallow.
I feel so hollow . . .
Everything falls apart at some point, but I thought we could make it. Here come the tears. I can’t see what I’m writing but I keep fighting.
I’m so frightened.
I want to set myself on fire. I want to expire. I want to burn alive. I have no more reason to live. I want to die.
You told me lies. Inside of lies. I begged you to believe. You are a thief. You stole my life. And took it in stride. Took me for granted. I’m still right here planted.
You don’t believe anything I say. Why would I stay?
I can’t take this hurt anymore. Taken down and daily scorn. I am worn.