Ever get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? That feeling when your body tells you that this is serious. It feels like the walls are caving in, time slows down, and you’re fighting to stay afloat, but no matter what you do, the feeling won’t subside.
It happened again last night. History repeats itself. A nothing comment, a passing conversation, and she’s at me again, relentlessly attacking me with her words, making it about her; “you don’t care about me” “you’re a liar” and then the words that pain me, even though i’ve heard them a thousand times before “I want a divorce”.
Like a knife through hot butter, it cuts quick and deep. It hurts.
I stumble, I stutter, I shout, I cry. Relentlessly, ruthlessly, she attacks again and again; “You’re not even a Christian” “I’m going to meet another husband”. No time to waste.
Is this what marriage was all about? I can’t tell anyone – i’m too embarrassed. Embarrassed that they were all right when they said “she’s not right for you”. They knew. But they let me make my own choice. They let me live my life.
She’s calmer today. But I have to go to church now. I agreed to it – but what for. As much as I wish this will have a happy ending, there is no fairy tale ending. Not for my life story.