Here is a list of all that I’ve gotten done:
- Loan is in the process of (hopefully) being accepted so I can refinance the house by myself. This took a load of paperwork and patience I didn’t think I had. Now just the waiting game. I hope I get it!
- All the house utilities are in my name.
- Switched to my own phone bill, internet, etc.
- Got my own car insurance.
- MOVED BACK IN TO MY HOUSE!
Now when I say I moved back in, I’m saying he moved out. Yep! He finally packed up his belongings and went to his mom’s house. Last night was the first time I have been at the house, and alone in…. 8 weeks? Holy moly. It was rough, I have to admit. Seeing his empty closet. None of his manly things on the bathroom counter or in the shower. Seeing all the things we’ve done together put in boxes…. it was… ugh. I guess the best word would be “triggering” as I did not feel well last night at all. I made some pizza rolls and played xbox… in a quiet house.. without my husband… I even cried a little. It was horrible, but I got through it, and I know that’s just another obstacle that I’ve overcome.
My dogs were absolutely amazing, and I am so happy to be back with them. You’ll never understand the healing properties dogs have until you need them and they know you need them. I was curled up on the couch, crying into my pizza rolls, and my australian shepherd sat right on my lap and refused to move. He just licked my face until I started laughing because HE WOULD NOT STOP! Lol.
Sleeping was rough… being in that room. Tonight I’m going to take off all the decorations from the walls (“Always kiss me goodnight” quote above the bed made me cry some more), and put the bed somewhere totally different. I really feel like I need to make it MINE as soon as possible.. or even sleep in the guest bedroom.
As sad as I was, I’m feeling better this morning – being at work and being busy. I bought myself a few big chicken breasts and some things for a salad, starting to eat healthy and will be doing some yoga tonight as well. It’s not that I’m overweight, I just feel like loving my body would help tremendously.
I still have those sudden urges to say something out loud to him – like our german shepherd had to go out to potty in the middle of the night last night – and I almost said, “It’s your turn.” But stopped myself. It’s the little things, honestly, that are prickling at my heart strings…
but this is for the better. This is for a happier me. I’ve SEEN the happier me, just a week ago, when I was all smiles and I could feel my freedom in every breath I took. Give me a few days, I’ll start feeling better.
Whoever has been reading my journey, and you want to do the same thing, I just have a few words for you.
First of all, you can do it. You ARE brave enough. When you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship (depending on your situation) they make you believe you’re nothing without them. That no one will ever love you as much as they do (or maybe you just believe this in general). That you won’t be happy again without them. There are so many things I could list, but I am living proof – as a “weak, timid” 25-year-old girl, that when it came to MY happiness – I grew a backbone. I became a little spitfire, someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer, someone who I’ve always wanted to be. I am who I want to be – without him.
Take that first step to getting your life back, your happiness, and your freedom. I promise you’ll be okay.