This journal entry is going to be a complete rant so please bare with me and excuse the swearing because I am definitely about to do a lot of it!
I am a 30 year old female still living with my parents, siblings and Grandmother in an area that is home but at the same time I hate. Now this is a fact of my life that I have struggled with for the last few years. It’s hard to explain but I will do my best to be as honest as I can!
I love my parents! Unconditionally, deep heartedly, selflessly. BUT I just can’t live with them no more. I’m sick of having them in my ear from when I wake up to when I go to sleep because I’m their only child that gives a shit enough to listen. Of course if I got my own place I would miss them immediately. I would miss the home comforts, especially my mum’s cooking. I’m quite independent at home, everybody knows my space is my own, I do my own laundry and I clean up after myself. But I still have this urge to run away a lot of the time. I feel so suffocated here! Every time I think I’m moving in the right direction somebody fills my head with some bulshit or another!
It makes me angry and disappointed in myself that I am not in a position where I am able to change my situation. London is extortionate in terms of living expenses. It is virtually impossible to live alone at my age. All my friends are either married and living with their in laws, single and still at home with mum and dad or have gone through crazy processes to obtain a council property because renting alone is out of the question for any lone, normal working person. Of course unless you’re comfortable living with a bunch of people you don’t know; obviously still paying ridiculous rates but slightly better than going it alone, for me that would defeat the entire point.
I haven’t talked much about my ethnic background but I think it’s time I do because it’s a big part of who I am. I class myself as a British Muslim Pakistani. There are parts of this identity that I hold close to my heart but other parts I absolutely despise. I love the tranquil, peace and love I find in prayer; even if this is not very often (my faith changes from year to year).
I DESPISE the cultural pressures that come with being Pakistani. I am not from the most traditional family, they are very liberal and I have always had plenty of freedom to make my own choices. But our community is backwards and quite frankly piss me off!!! It’s probably not so different to any other community if I’m honest, I’m sure everybody when growing up had that nosy elderly lady that lives a few doors away that absolutely had to gossip or turn her nose up at you because she saw you kissing a boy or smoking a cigarette! But seriously, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BUSINESS BITCH!!! I’m sick of people judging me at every corner I turn.
I’ve had enough of being told I should be married with ten children because I’m 30! FUCK YOU, do you know anything about my life? I’m sick of my mum who has more fake friends than I’ve had hot dinners. By all means surround yourself with these fake bitches but don’t invite them daily into our home, so that I have no choice but to play the good daughter who has to plaster a fake smile on my face. Who has to be polite and bite my tongue when these ugly wrinkled nobodies ask probing questions and think it’s their business when it’s absolutely not! Oh and don’t forget that yes of course I’m desperately searching for a good husband! You fukin pricks!!!
My heart feels so heavy and sad right now. Yes I do want to find a good guy that gets me. But first I have to get over the bastard that broke my heart don’t i? The one I dedicated ten years of my stupid life to! Or do I not have the luxury of giving myself time just in case my biological clock fucks me over! I do want to be happy and have beautiful children, I’ve dreamed about holding my own child in my arms for 5 years now. Nobody has seen the tears I’ve cried wanting that with my ex! Nobody knows how angry i am with him for leaving me in a situation like this. I hate him!!!
We can’t all have it work out like some stupid soppy movie can we, get married to the first boy we fall for at 18 and live happily ever after with floating heart bubbles. Life doesn’t always work that way. Some of us had to deal with real shit and just make sure we survive and don’t fall of the face of the earth in depression! Some of us had to choose the wrong guy even though you told yourself the next chapter in your life has to be better because god can’t be that unjust… But here we are!
At this moment i literally am sick of life!