This journal really pisses me off!

yet again i lost another entry. Where the fuck do they go??? How annoying! Anyway i think i broke my thumb. Its been hurting so bad, for over a week that i struggle to open stuff. Tonight i hit it on my tv remote and holy shit it hurt. My son got me some ice and i iced it for awhile. It feels a little better but still hurts. Man i keep forgetting to make a new appointment for my back. Im almost out of medication and i have no refills. Once im out im gonna be in so much pain i wont be able to move. Thinking about whats to come or making my appointment gives me anxiety. The dr told me to lose weight and im terrified to get on the scale as im pretty sure i have gained 30 lbs or more since i saw him last. 😔😭 me trying to lose weight is like trying to catch lighting in a jar…not happening. I have to be in a good frame of mind..not depressed. And once im in that motivated state im unstoppable. Unfortunately to the point where i become obsessed with calories and working out. It always starts small and before i know it im restricting calories down to 0, and working out 3-4 hrs a day. I end up light headed and physically and mentally exhausted. And fall back into old habits and pack on all the weight i lost and then some. Ever since i was in jr high i have struggled. I just wish i had a healthy relationship with food. But with me its one extreme or the other..no middle ground. And i have no idea how to change that. I have no idea how to fill the deep oozing dark hole inside me other then to pack it full of food. So many things from my childhood into adulthood that my brain has decided the best way to handle it all is to “eat” it away. Up until now it hasnt worked only made me miserable. I feel like my life is flying by me while im stuck in this frozen state of fear and fat. 

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