Yesterday I had a full meltdown. It was the middle of the afternoon while I visited my mother. I was watching something on my laptop and I was hungry so I went downstairs to make myself something to eat. Then it happened. A faint voice in my head that whispered “just go and pay off everything. Forget about work. You can’t do this anymore. Just go and take the entire bottle of pills and go peacefully and you won’t feel it anymore.” It was my own voice that was in my head that were navigating me through what might had been an attempt suicide. I started to cried frantically and I said to my mother “I can’t mom I need to go to the hospital. But I can’t I need to tell my employer that I can’t make it to work and why.” I walked in circles in the dinning room as my mother sat in the living room and watched in silence. Then I said “they’re not picking up” and “I must go and tell them. then I will admit myself to the hospital.” She urged me to forget about work and just go straight but I didn’t listen to her. I went and I explained to my employer what happened and that I needed help and she insisted that I do get help and not worry about it. But I was so afraid of losing my job that I ended up driving home, cried for hours and convinced my husband and myself that I don’t need to go to the hospital. He took away my medications and allowed me to calm down for a few hours. I tried to nap but the lingering high heart rate just wasn’t allowing me to rest, and I called my bestfriend and chatted with her until my husband arrived home from the gym. By 11 PM I was regaining myself again and I was fine. Just like the past few nights though, my 50 mg of Trazodone wasn’t keeping me asleep I woke up a few times throughout the night but was too afraid of the side effects of the 100 mg so I dealt with it.
Today I felt exhausted and drained. I could’ve ended my life yesterday but I fought. My mind is telling me that it’s better to just die and stop being a burden for people around me but I really don’t want to die. I have so much goals that I want to accomplish… For now, I’ll just be grateful that I can have days like today to not feel much.