I don’t know when and how this habit developed. Probably from how I was raised.
I’d come home and randomly I’d start thinking about what I did “wrong” in the day. It mainly had to do with how my behavior affected someone else. Sometimes I think I really affected someone badly and it’s not even true.
I’m just extremely self conscious because I grew up around someone whose behavior was unpredictable.
Walking on eggshells; you never knew what you did. You were always in trouble.
I asked what I did and I was threatened or told to be quiet.
Presently I am blessed enough to grow up and have the situation lighten up. So in some sense I am no longer a victim.
But I still beat myself up and have a self-loathing I feel inside. I critique myself like I should be this human being who does nothing wrong.
I think I treat people like they are that person. It’s a fear that they will always be angry and out to get me like that person.
That person pushed me into a very dark place.
Now I have more control. Instead of using the power to propel myself I am beating myself down.
Maybe it is because I have yet to forgive that person. I thought I did, I guess it is practice.
It is hard when you have to see that person everyday and there are still remnants of what they did. It feels like it never ended.