I don’t know when and how this habit developed. Probably from how I was raised.

I’d come home and randomly I’d start thinking about what I did “wrong” in the day. It mainly had to do with how my behavior affected someone else. Sometimes I think I really affected someone badly and it’s not even true.

I’m just extremely ¬†self conscious because I grew up around someone whose behavior was unpredictable.

Walking on eggshells; you never knew what you did. You were always in trouble.

I asked what I did and I was threatened or told to be quiet.

Presently I am blessed enough to grow up and have the situation lighten up. So in some sense I am no longer a victim.

But I still beat myself up and have a self-loathing I feel inside. I critique myself like I should be this human being who does nothing wrong.

I think I treat people like they are that person. It’s a fear that they will always be angry and out to get me like that person.

That person pushed me into a very dark place.

Now I have more control. Instead of using the power to propel myself I am beating myself down.

Maybe it is because I have yet to forgive that person. I thought I did, I guess it is practice.

It is hard when you have to see that person everyday and there are still remnants of what they did. It feels like it never ended.

2 thoughts on “Anxiety”

  1. Dear She, it is allright to be human. We all are. Try to accept that about yourself.
    I will tell you a sure way to forgive the person who hurt you. It is HARD, at first, but gets easier. The Bible says, “Bless your enemies, and do good to those who spitefully use you.” The key is in blessing. Ask God to bless this person. Everything in you will resist probably. But He will help you. Keep speaking blessings over him and your heart will begin to lighten. I wish you every good thing!! Hugs.

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