This past year, maybe even two has been plagued with a plethora of life events… both personal as well as family/outsiders. I believe I hit rock bottom; the false floor broke way for this most recent decent. Growing up I always dealt with depression, and what I now know is anxiety. It was tough not being able to understand what was going on, let alone how to “fix” it. I also feel other people’s feelings as my own, if that makes any sense at all… and no I didn’t run off the movie set of “High Anxiety”. 😉
With that being said… I am back on the upswing, thank goodness! I am usually pretty good at knowing when I am going to spiral down and I am able to pick myself back up again, but this time it was all too quick, and it wasn’t like any other. Nothing in particular caused the spiral, except maybe hormones/postpartum depression. Who knows. One night after my boys were fast asleep I decided to take more than my share of pills and drank alcohol. I am by no means a drinker, nor one to take pills unless they will help. It was just a strange feeling, almost as if I wasn’t even there making the choices myself… and no feeling of guilt or that I shouldn’t be doing that. Thanks to one of my best friends who lives far enough away to where the time difference made him awake when I sent a note to tell him how much his friendship meant to me. Well, long story short, we talked and he had NO CLUE what events had lead up to the message I sent him. I am so thankful and blessed that he responded almost immediately. It gave me a chance to breathe and “wake up” and actually SEE what I was doing. I was just in a fog and that was so scary! I am in the process of getting off of zoloft as I feel that is part of the problem. I had family notice a change in me months ago as well, so I know it wasn’t just me… thank goodness!!
I am not sure which came first, the depression or the weight gain… and when I say gain, I mean I gained a tiny person. Ugh! Again, another struggle I silently fight… or maybe not so silent since everyone can see my weight. For whatever reason, this time the weight gain has made me actually feel legitimately fat. Yet, can I actually pull together a few weeks of changed eating habits? Nope. I lose motivation SO quickly, almost like I am taking on too much with bringing myself out of a major bout of depression, and then here I am trying to lose weight too. Who knows. I refuse to take an easy way out of the weight. I want to LEARN HOW to eat, portions, etc. I am the first to admit that my eating habits are awful, but not as bad as they once were, but still not good. So that is another journey I am on.
Whew, got all that? 😉 That was a lot of word vomit… guess I needed to get that off of my chest and out of my “built up hidden emotions” box.
So, my first baby step for the school year is to ditch the white sugar. (And only eat when I am actually hungry, I know I said one baby step at a time, but these two should be doable… hopefully!). Wish me luck! I swear cutting out white sugar is harder than when I quit smoking. It’s not like I can just stop food cold turkey.
As the Good Charlotte song says, “Motivate me”. Gotta keep on moving in the right direction and not lose my motivation….
Boy does it feel great to journal again! I was thinking all day about taking ME time to write a bit. Although it took a while to figure out what I wanted to write. Lol. I am a pretty open person… do you have any questions about me/my life that you would like to know or hear more about?
Thanks for reading and not giving up. This was a long journal entry! Lol!