Heavy Heart

I just can’t shake what happened Sunday at church.  It’s going to be hard to go back.  I feel so sad and discouraged.  Usually I shake things off.  But Matthew said (loudly)  “Im a f+++ bitch.”  And kicked the wall of the lobby—-luckily it didn’t break a hole in the wall, didn’t even leave a mark.  I thought I was past being embarrassed by anything the boys could do.  I was wrong.  Please pray for me, friends.  And let me know how I can pray for you to ease your struggles.  Thanks!

5 thoughts on “Heavy Heart”

  1. Yes dear Grace I shall pray for both of you . I don’t have any answers because I’m not a professional and I can’t even imagine what you are going thru. But I can pray and I can care. And please be careful and keep yourself safe. I do not mean this in any way as a put down to your grandson, but it sounds like he can get violently out of control…and that is not his fault . Whether you take him back to church or not depends on how you think he can handle it. You should feel no pressure one way or another.
    And as to the language, heavens, I know it was bad but it really isn’t anything folks haven’t heard before and they know he is special needs I’m sure. So don’t be hard on yourself. And if there are others that judge, girl that’s on them! Praise God for sending that elderly lady, she was obviously Holy Ghost inspired.
    Dear friend I hope the rest of your week goes better.

  2. Your kindness in your comment brought me to tears. Which I needed because I’ve been kind of numb and depressed since Sunday. Tears help. You are such a dear person. Yes, Matthew can get violent. He spent a year (last year) at Palmetto Behavioral School for autistic children with a secondary illness. We believe he is also bipolar. It’s a hard life for him. Since he got back (he was doing so well, they couldn’t justify keeping him there essentially in a lock up facility) he’s been better. He has broken some things but has not hit any person. I feel pretty safe with him. Thank you for your caring and concern. Yes, the elderly lady was acting led by the Holy Ghost, for sure. I whispered thankyou to her. Then I noticed that a tall, athletic man was standing beside me. He said, “You gonna be okay now?” I smiled and said “I hope so.” And I was. Matthew put his hand in mine and walked into church as meek as a lamb. He was tired after his outburst and lay stretched out (15-years old) on the floor at our feet and slept 1/2 hour, then was fine. He is always exhausted after an outburst. Makes me wonder if it’s some kind of seizure or something….I don’t know.
    He WANTS to be good. We pray together every day and he asks God to take all the bad words out of his head. And to give him a good tone of voice and a good attitude. It would touch your heart so much to hear him. I’m still talking…..too long. But I don’t have many people I can talk to about this, and your comment was so kind it seemed to invite me to share! Thank you!!! HUGS.

  3. Oh I’m glad the tears helped. I read somewhere that the tears we cry through sorrow and stress are completely different than say onion peeling! There is a difference in the chemical composition…isn’t God wonderful that he gave us this release. I just feel such heart tugs when you write of Matthew and I promise to keep praying for you guys. Also…you have my email address from when we’ve sent personal messages so feel free to email me directly at any time if you would prefer since those comments would be strictly confidential.

  4. In your last post you didn’t mention the bad words that he said. I had to go back and read it again to see if I missed this information. I know you must be feeling so bad about the things he said but please don’t be fearful about going to church. I’m sure that those people around that heard him lash out are very well aware of his situation and they know he normally doesn’t act out this way.
    You say he’s 15? I remember when my son was that age and the hormones are kicking in and it seems like that sweet little boy I once knew was becoming a loud mouth horrible teen. Has your grandson been changing lately? Could it also be the hormones kicking in that are making this change also in his behavior. You could ask the doctor and see if that might be the case.
    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your grandson may not even be aware of how badly he lashed out or the stress that this has caused you. I bet he has even forgotten what he did.
    If he does lash out again then you will have to set ground rules about his going to church. He must know that that is a place where people go to feel calm and safe and he needs to leave his anger at home, not bring it with him in the house of God. See if he understands that.
    You will have a better day on Sunday. God will watch over you and your grandson.

  5. Thank you, Grannie3! Thank you for your prayers!! I am beginning to recover and help my husband recover from Sunday. He says if he had seen it he wouldn’t go back to church there anymore. He was already seated in the sanctuary with my other grandson.
    He has had a heavy heart too. I realized that as mother in the family it is up to me to set the emotional climate. So I prayed a lot, and you dear folks prayed, and I got my joy back. A little shaky, but it’s there. Mother Teresa said “never let anything so
    sadden you that you forget the joy of Christ Risen.” I always try to remember that.
    Hugs to you!

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