Just friends

Short summary 

After 8 months I just got in touch with my ex boyfriend again. Like, the first person I really loved and went through most crap with, on the most inappropriate time. A boy I never thought Id feel so much for, texted me just last week. 
Since its night til Thursday, its exactly 8 days since we started talking. 7 since I first visited him in the new house and 2 days since I last visited him. 
Since the day he reached out again, momentairly I got afraid of any connection to him. To get used to him was my biggest fear, for then to lose him again, which had became a habit.

 
He and his ex had nearly broken up around 20 times, when they finally decided to stay broken up. Even though it was harder for him, since she were the douche in the relationship and destroyed nearly the whole guy.  I guess the phonecall he made when he were crying, was the thing that made me feel him. Even though a little piece of me enjoyed it, thought it was on time that he felt what he made me feel, when he filled every inch of my brain. When he teared my walls down and destroyed every piece of confidence and self respect I builded up the last years. 

Last Thursday I woke up to a text where he asked if I wanted to come, that he’d call me when I could come. I didn’t ask my mother for a ride until the moment he called me and said I could come. My stomach tied in knots when I had to look her in the eye and ask. I wasn’t sure how she¨d react on the request, at all, if she would refuse to drive me og just give in. Because she knew how stubborn I was, and that it always ended up with her with the bad consciense if she denied my request. 

But the big difference that day, was that I did it for me and not him. I knew that If he’d sit alone in his room and cry , all alone without any kind of support ( even though his mother is supportive and lovely in all possible ways ) Id die from bad conscience as well. I did it for the feeling I got when I came back home and knew I did a good thing today. I knew I could give him my arms to cry in, with good conscious I put my arms around him and let him cry in my ear. I let him hold his face as close as we wanted, to hime. I let him to everything he wanted and talk about. Just because Im not the selfish person that could even think the slightest about myself in a moment like that. Because I knew I could be such a good and admirable person people could just dream about being once in a while. But its a burden. Oh my god, I put myself through some really horrible things just for others sake. On Tuesday it was different. In the middle of the night I was the one who asked to come, just because I was so depressed I didn’t know what to do. So depressed I had to blame it something else, that really doesn’t affect me as much as I wished it did. How could I make myself travel to him 8 in the morning? From the moment I stood on the courtyard and stared at the house, till I sneaked up the stairs with him, i regretted coming. How could I be so stupid to even feel comfortable in his presence? How the hell could I think it was something I could get used to, without even wanting to have more than just that? I was stupid. But when we laid down in his bed, held each other, cuddled and warmed each other, I didn’t regret it anymore. The speed of my heart rate and the high body temperature when I regretted coming, was suddenly worth it. Even when i fell asleep with his arm around my waist and his warm breath in my neck. Even the weight of his head on my hair when I tried to move it. His hard bed was worth it too, everything was worth it. The view I woke up to, sun rays blinded me, but I still saw the back of his head. How close we still were, in our sleep. That moment I finally felt home. And I realized he never were further away than a text message. 

When I went home again, he was all I could even think of. How his combination of perfumes infected my shirt and hair, that even how much I tried to think about other things, i couldn’t. 
He was all I could ever think of. Until today, when my concerns took over because he was on a fucking party with someone he hooked up  with for two, three months ago. I was so selfish that I told him what I felt, that I was so fucking scared of losing him or fall in love with him again and ruin everything. Because everything is so fucking good right now, but that it could change so quickly as well. But oh my god my heart broke into a thousand pieces when he wrote:

-But you dont like me that way? I dont like you that way? Being friends isn’t a problem. 
&
-Thats why I want to be friends with you because I dont want to hurt you again. 

 

How the fuck could I let my guards down and let him into me? 

I hate myself so much.. 

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