I can’t write. It’s become so hard that it’s almost insane. Whenever I start writing I will get in the flow of things like usual and just start free typing but then I will hit a brick wall. I start to think of more things to type and I begin to ponder the deepest places within and then I become sad. Everything ends up being sad no matter what I do. I’m not a sad person at all and I haven’t been in my feels all summer but as soon as I start writing I start to think really hard and I tend to realize things. Things that are true but I refuse to believe or things that are true and I have realized but do nothing bout. It all comes down to the fact of I’m alone. Before you start saying “oh my gosh here is another blog about how some depressed kid feels alone but actually isn’t and he just needs to open his eyes” let me explain. I choose to be alone. I don’t want to be alone but I tend to put myself in a place where I’m alone. I have an overabundance of people who support me but none of them heck up on me and none of them really care like I care. Hah, yea I guess your thoughts are correct. I do need to open my eyes and realize what I have but that is seriously hard.
I was called cynical yesterday and boy let me tell you, that hit like a brick. I was surprisingly called that by my bestfriend. I’m not very surprised because I understand how one can characterize me as cynical and I know she didn’t mean anything by it but as always I overthink and it gets to me. I never looked at myself as a person that could be characterized as cynical but it’s possible none the less that I am cynical and I don’t notice.
I told yall I write in a sad tone when I think
Let’s change it up a bit and just talk for a little bit. It’s currently 10:25 in the morning and for some reason I awoke at 5am this morning. I haven’t done that I ages in all honesty and I have lately been getting up at 8am just so I can adjust my body to school schedule. I came in my living room at around 6am and it was of course nearly pitch black so I just casually opened my laptop and watched a horror movie. I mean; what else is there to do at 6 in the morning? After the movie I started listening to piano music just because it is peaceful in the morning and it helps to think. While the piano music started playing I came to the conclusion that I wanted to write so I opened up my word document and I started writing. I actually had this really cool blog idea that I had in mind so I started it but it got depressing after a while so I deleted every bit of it and started over and now I have the one that you are currently reading. I doubt I will delete this one just because this one isn’t as bad as the other.
I need to take a shower again around 12 just because I have church later and I go and pick up my schedule later. My school is doing a big pep rally but in all honesty I would rather just get my schedule and leave. I’m going to see all these people for an entire 185 days so I don’t need to stay today if it’s not required. This year is going to be intense. Both mentally and physically intense just because this year is going to be the hardest year of schooling I have ever had and because of this mission’s trip. Don’t get me wrong, I purposely made this year my hardest year for a reason. This year I will get all my classes out of the way so next year I can focus on working with an organization on my career. I had intentions on going to Liberty University and I happen to get a packet from them about a week ago but something over the last two weeks had made me rethink if I actually want to go to college. If I go to college, what would I go to college for? I don’t know what I would be studying for but I do know that missionary is what I want to be doing. How exactly do you go to college for missionary? I know I can go to college to give the psychological mindset but what all the other attributes that correspond with missionary? So yea, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do. I think my answer will truly be clear once I get back from the mission’s trip that I am planning currently. Anyways, back to school. I don’t actually know how I’m going to react when all these people come up to me saying they missed me but never actually took the time out of their day to actually go out and do something with me. I don’t enjoy the fact that people say they missed me but didn’t actually do anything to see me. I don’t think that is a friend in all honesty so I don’t know what I’m going to do. Like do I hug them and say I missed them to or do I just say hey and move on? I’m also not ready for the first day of school because in all honesty it’s the most nerve racking thing. I don’t know if the teachers will love me and I don’t know if all my friends will be in my classes. That’s honestly one of the worst things that can happen. You not knowing anyone in the class that is. First of all you don’t have anyone to work with throughout the entire semester so it’s kind of an independent class. So yea, I don’t really think I will end up like that but you never know; it’s possible.
So it’s currently the next morning and I decided to finish this blog off. I wanted to finish it last night but I was tired and I didn’t. So let me update you on what happened yesterday night. Around 5pm I left my house to go pick up my new schedule and then head to church. I’m actually fairly happy with my schedule even though it is going to be insanely hard to do all my work, hold a job, and do sports. I guess we will just have to see what happens.
Now onto going to church and church. So after I left my school I went to McDonalds just because it was the fastest place to pick up food and get to church. I got a coffee and two sausage biscuits and yall wouldn’t believe how disappointed I was. First of all, I forgot jelly for my dag gum biscuits so that upset me. Second, the coffee was absolutely horrible. Like I’ve had some pretty bad coffee but the girl at McDonalds seriously cannot make a coffee to save her life. I need to go back and teach the girl how to make an amazing coffee. Now I could have just made a coffee at home and brought it with me but I had already brushed my teeth and was chewing on a piece of gum. I didn’t want to go to school and have coffee breath. So that’s the reasoning for going after getting my schedule. Anyways, I got to church and I was just talking with some friends until service actually started. Our service is combined of both middle schoolers and high schoolers. If yall didn’t already know, there is a massive difference in maturity between middle schoolers and high schoolers. During the service the middle schoolers were absolutely horrible. Like it honestly irritated me so bad because I hate when people act up when someone is trying to preach the gospel. After the service everyone else had left and my pastor wanted to have a talk so we did. Basically we talked about me teaching my own high school group so the high schoolers can go more in depth into the gospel. Also the maturity levels will be higher because we can focus more. So he told me that he was going to get me into the program where the study things are sent to me just like it is sent to the actual pastors. We aren’t going to just break it up all in one week. I might start preaching every so often to both the middle schoolers and high schoolers. Idk what exactly is all going to happen but we will just have to let time take its course and we will see what happens.
Well, that is about all for today. I will keep yall updated as I continue with my journey through life.