Trouble speaking up

This has been on my mind a lot today.  After our talk last night and this morning I feel a lot better.  But it’s made me really look at the fact that I have a hard time speaking up, asking for what I want or need.  I’ve always been this way since I was little, I’m not sure how to start changing. I know that I need to tell others what I want or need…. Or I’m not going to get it. When I do though, I really get insecure about it.  I feel like I’m asking a lot or too much or that I’m a bothet to the other person. I need someone to reassure me I’m not being unreasonable.  

My need today is more physical…I was teased this morning and told I would be told if I could play or not, but wasn’t.  So I didn’t play…I followed my rule even when it was hard.  

I want to be used….I want to try new things and explore pain and find out where my limits are.  I don’t want to be asked what I want… I want to be taken.  I want to feel that I’m wanted to the point of throw me around and do whatever the fuck wanted of me….I’m scared to ask that. It took me a long time to ask for something last weekend and by the time I did it was already at the end and too late.  I missed out because I couldn’t make myself voice it.  I don’t want to fall in that again… 

Most of all… I need to know I’m wanted… 

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