Journal Entry #24 (Random Rant)

I feel like screaming  I’m so mad but calm at the same time. A silent fury. I always cry when I make these entries. Well it’s more like my eyes water. I can’t cry anymore. When I try to, it feels weird cause my tears fall to slow. Feels so fake. So I let them water and I wipe my eyes. I always cry when I make these.

What is wrong with me?

I remember about a year and a half ago, I spent two hours telling a social worker at my school about how shitty my life was. Two whole hours. Me and her. Just me ranting. That’s the only time I’ve done something like that ever. This journal doesn’t count. You all don’t know the full story. It’s something that I’d rather tell you in real life cause it’s easier to talk then type.

Did you know that I have not spoken to anyone outside of my family (besides doctors and you online people) for over a year and half. Also I have been cooped up in my room for at least half of that time. That’s why I’m broken. I’m not a normal teenager anymore. My precious youth has been stolen from me.

I can see why some people drink and do drugs. It helps with the pain. I’m in pain. But unlike everyone else I’ve got to suck it up and suffer with it. I wish I could sleep forever. I can only sleep for 5 hours at the most.

I’m going nowhere in life. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any money. What am I going to do?

If I could change anything about myself, I would change my gender and appearance. I know there are procedures for that but I’m ugly to begin with so I’ll turn out ugly. Might as well stay naturally ugly. I have a better chance with natural.

I saw a reflection of myself today and I didn’t look to bad. Of course, my brain regained it’s senses and that feeling was lost. I would post a picture for you guys but I don’t want to blind any of you XD

Anyways, I’m going to go for now. I feel slightly better. Let’s see how long it takes for my mood to ruin again! 🙂

There’s no rest for ranting, so I’ve gotta go.

Edit: I got an message from an old friend and my mood is now the best its been in a long while! Keep on keeping on everyone 🙂 Love all y’all

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