My first entry. It may be a downer of one, but I have to get my thoughts down now because if I don’t my head will cover everything up. I think I may be crazy in some shape or form.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result every time. I usually counter this by saying if I hit a random number generator button I better get a different fucking number. I don’t know. My mind works in a weird way. When something happens to me my mind immediately looks to find a way to think of something else. You may think this is a good thing, but it’s not. Maybe my counter to that definition is a way that my mind says you aren’t insane, just… something… I don’t know. Some tragedy happens I hope for the best for the victims and their families and just think that isn’t me. That makes me feel a lot better. Most of the time.
I was just hit with the hard truth of reality. It sent my mind scrambling. I have accomplished nothing in my life except living. Just barely. Abandoned by many but I keep my chin up because my mind doesn’t want to deal with life. Looking back I have done nothing special. Nothing to distinguish myself. I’m just a blank face in a group of blank faces. By tomorrow I know my brain will have covered everything up and it will be like nothing happened. I don’t want that anymore. I can’t focus on faults of anything. Only good. It sounds like an amazing life, but it’s tearing me apart and no one, not even myself can see it. I look as though there is nothing wrong. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
Abandoned by my mother to live with my grandparents at the age of 4. Watched my grandparents’ relationship crumble to pieces, blaming myself for not doing anything to help stop it. That was freshman year of high school. Watch as my grandfather kicked my grandmother out and was immediately with someone else. Called a liar. Pussy. A baby who needs to grow up. But liar stung the worse. I was being accused of something I wasn’t doing. But maybe I should grow up. Maybe if I do I can fix my fucked up mind. But continuing on, I was also kicked out 3 months after my grandmother. Sent to live with her, homeless. this lasted almost a year. Of course smiling in school as if nothing was happening. Watched as everyone looked at me as if I was a disgusting pig because I had nowhere to shower. All with an ignorant smile on my face. “Just smile. Things will get better.” They did, slightly, but that isn’t the point. I ignored what what happening around me when I deserved to…. I don’t know what I’m trying to say except I shouldn’t have been ignorant.
Ugh. I need to stop putting a smile on and learn to face reality. But I know that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Watch tomorrow I will have a smile. Or maybe not. I was hit hard with something and I’m worried.