Maybe I’ve hit a mid-life crisis?
I want to share what it’s like to grow up ugly.
I cannot pin point the exact age I realized I knew I just was not a physically appealing person? I know by 11 I was disgusted by what I saw in pictures. I did not want to believe the person I was, was so…ugly.
I *am not fat. I am not disfigured, do not have a physical disability, I do not have a disorder that affects my appearance, I’m not a toothless hillbilly or inbred. I am just…ugly. I now know by the way I am treated, am reacted to, and the memories I hold that I just am matter of fact ugly.
The thing about being this kind of ugly is that the whole “beauty is on the inside”, could ring true. Still, people want attractive friends. People like me, they like knowing me, do thy want to be seen in public or having pictures taken with me? Nope. Ugly. I’d bring the group down, someone would feel bad I won’t get the attention of others, I’ll be bored or forgotten or even worse attention would be called to me. Then what?
Fat people can lose weight. People with deformities have a reason, or a pass for being unattractive but accepted.
My life now I see has been little droplets and big hits about how my appearance has affected every relationship in my life. The “boyfriends” who never took me in public, I should have known then. I just never had sat down to think about it all until now.
I can’t change the way I look. I could (need to*) lose some weight, but that won’t change my face.
I will just share my story. What ugly truly means, when it’s on the outside.